Sci-Fi Cliches

Even if you don't know, read, respect, or care about Science Fiction - and I border on not really caring - the article I found, which lists most to all of the horribly overused science fiction cliches is pretty kick-ass, going so far as to add symbols to let you know to what extent it is hackneyed. Honestly, though, even if you've never heard of Battlestar Galactica and you think Star Trek is a new exercise machine, you might still enjoy the list itself.

Okay, so I'm a nerd about this kind of stuff, I admit. But it IS entertaining, whether you think it is or not.

And I think that cliches teach us a lot about ourselves, because it's funny to laugh at all of the dumb and ridiculous plot ideas that are outlined in cliche lists, but the truth is that it only applies to really uncreative people. I'll call these people "movie executives."

Anyway, people still take hackneyed, cliched, and just downright dated ideas and turn them into something interesting. Stephen King's Dreamcatcher, for example, works completely, despite the fact that it's a how to stop aliens from taking over the earth sort of story.

The truth is, as long as you move beyond the basic gist of an idea, you should be safe creatively. The Shining - the movie, not the book - is a good example of a play on the "Haunted House" idea.

And don't even get me started on zombie movies and Shaun of the Dead. It was great; so great, in fact, that Lady Protocol, who's afraid of just about anything that does or doesn't move, could watch it all the way through. And that's saying something.

It's only when people who are in charge of selling things - movies, books, tv shows - to the public for massive amounts of money that it becomes sort of, well, disgustingly homogenous.

Let me make something extremely clear, though: it's not completely the TV network's fault or the producer's fault. TV and movies take a lot of money and you've got to have an enormous set of balls to think outside of the box. That's why you get The Ring, The Grudge, The Ring Two, The Grudge Two, White Noise, Pulse, and several other movies with similar ideas come out at approximately the same time.

It's hard not to become cynical, but we get stinkers because no one wants to take a creative chance. The people who are just starting out want to stick to overdone models of expression because they want to make it. And people who have already made it want to stay on top, so they produce whatever is popular. Being completely out of touch with the viewing or reading public has no bearing on with what's going on. Why do you think we have approximately thirty-five thousand CSI shows? It ain't 'cuz they're gettin' any bettah, I coulda told ya that.

That's why I'm a proponent for independent-based media, even though independence is quickly becoming an outmoded idea. Sundance, for example, is a film festival in name only, since most of the movies have big-name stars in them. They're just doing their art-house picture or whatever, trying not to seem like a high-paid douche bag.

Oh well.

Also, here is a list of the horror cliches that piss MAXIM off. Enjoy.

Have a good weekend. I'll post again tomorrow.

TODAY is an interesting day

Instead of focusing on one thing that's making me mad or talking about a quirky issue, I think I'll just talk about how random today's news is...

A Gunman has taken several people hostage at a school in Bailey, Colorado. Do they just grow them crazy out there or is it a cultural thing, you wonder? The good news is, a few of the hostages have been released to the custody of the SWAT officers who have the building surrounded. A good question is: how far away is Columbine from this city?

California today became the first state to pass a bill which will cap greenhouse gas emissions overnight. Wow! And this overnight emission restriction will only take another forty-six years! Apparently the cap won't be fully realized until 2050, when gases will be reduced by 80 percent. Not that we'll have oil then anyway. Just kidding! I can't really complain. It's better than proposing legislation to torture people we haven't even indicted yet, I guess.

It's Google's 8th Birthday!

Steven Tyler announced that he has overcome his struggle against Hepatitis C. I don't know...I've never understood why anyone would announce being done with a humiliating problem. Unless there's an album on the way. Sorry. I just had to be cynical there. But it's a strange thing to say, "Hey, I'm done!" I guess it's better than dying with the damn disease. Oh, and a little tidbit I was not aware of...if the disease spreads without you knowing, you may have to go through chemo to get rid of it, if at all. If you refuse, then you can develop cirrhosis of the liver or liver cancer. Just remember thatthe next time you're randomly sharing needles with some guy at the sock hop.

Microsoft's XBox will be releasing an HD-DVD player later this year, beating both Sony and Nintendo to the punch.
The problem is that the machine will be $200 bucks. Couple that with the XBox and you'll be rockin' a $600 bill. Also, HD-DVD is fighting with Blu-Ray technology - which will be included in the new PS3 - to see which DVD format will be used in the futuer. SO, who do you go with? The most popular computer company in the world or the company that has been producing electronics for decades? It's tough, especially if you pick the wrong format or machine. Everyone in the audience who still owns Beta-Max will agree. If you don't know what Beta-Max is, you should probably just wait to see which side wins. Trust me.

And in Today's "Who Cares" News...

I don't have anything against Mel Gibson, so if you think it's going to be a rant about him being a crazy Catholic, change the (blogging) station...

Who cares if Mel Gibson criticizes the War? Well, let me scratch that. I mean, celebrities are given a medium to bitch about just about anything the want to, so it's not a big deal that he's criticizing the war.

And that's the whole point: why is it being reported - over and over again, no less - that Mel Gibson "criticized the war?" Is it news that anyone criticized the war?

Now, let's split hairs, shall we? I'm not concerned with his criticizing the war; in fact, I agree with him. I'm just sick of it getting reported. It's just getting old, that's all. Who cares anymore? We've had so many people - ahem, celebrities - tell us how awful war is and so forth. It's just hackneyed now, that's all. There's nothing fresh about some guy talking about the war.

It's not really changing anything to be against the war these days. And while we're on the subject, that seems to be the standard in the strange times of 2006. Celebrities - and others - are just "against the war." That's it. It's just so...unimaginative. And it doesn't do anything. I'm against Paris Hilton getting endorsement deals at burger joints, but that I don't actively do anything kind of...makes it a moot point, doesn't it?

If they reall wanted to impress me, they'd run naked through the halls of Congress, screaming, "I hate the war! I really hate clothes! Now am I important?"

That would be worth the Mastercard priceless third thing marketing tool thingy. Thingy.

Um, This Isn't a Feelgood Story...Well, Sort of.

Uh, I can't even begin to wonder how to post about the woman who - and I'm not making this up - let her child take a hit from a bong. I must have the worst imagination in the world, because I had no idea this would actually ever happen in a book or a movie, much less in real life.

It does pose an interesting question, however (actually, it poses several): How does one instruct an 18 month-old-child to take a hit from a bong? I know college students who can't even do it, and they're supposed to be the cream at the top of the milk. To be outdone by a toddler must be embarrassing.

Think of that the next time you're on Spring Break, guys and girls. To be the best, you've got to beat the best. I think Jesus may have said that, and he most certainly would have had something to say about this case.

The worst part of the whole thing is that the bitch got a reduced sentence - from five years to two years - on a technicality. What kind of technical intricacy doesn't make you a terrible parent?

Back in Black - and I'm Just Plain Back.

I know that the flower of the blogosphere wilted a little bit in my absence this weekend, but I am back to water the roots and make sure that it's greener than ever in the next green season.

A wedding required my attendance, and since I never turn down a trip to the beach, I had to say yes (that, and it was my brother).

But I'm back, and I'm pissed! It's everyday that something makes me mad, but I feel a free-floating hostilifest coming on right now.

It involves the line at fast food places, and for once it doesn't involve the employees. It has to do with the idiots who stand in line and ignore the rules of fast food engagement. You never ignore the rules of engagement when you're standing in line, and the D.A. in front of me at Barberitos completely and obliviously threw caution to the wind yesterday, RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE EMPLOYEES, no less.

What happened is this: Lady Protocol and I stopped in at the Five Points Barberitos for a bite yesterday - for those of you who don't know or don't care about that fact, move on move one - and it was noticeably busy. We pressed on despite the problem and stood in line behind D.A. and his two friends, Boring Guy and Mumbling Girl.

D.A. begins to yammer and talk VERY LOUDLY even as we're just walking in the door. He then proceeds to talk about how much better he likes Qdoba than Barberitos and how their burritos are superior in quality and texture - although not in those terms - than the establishment where he is engaging in commerce.

I thought I had been caught in the nexus of the universe. First of all, Barberitos has the best burritos in town.

Well, I don't have a second point, but suffice it to say that this guy was a complete Douche Bag and I really don't like rude people in respectable establishments acting like that. Had it been a whorehouse and he talked about how the 'gina Joint down the street had a better deal for the quality, I'd understand.

To defame Barberitos, however, is unacceptable.

Nothing's on my Mind

The only thing that's skittering up my rear end is Hugo Chavez's recent foray into stand-up.

It's sort of like the things people who played for Vince Lombardi used to say about him: "We can cuss him, but don't let us catch anyone talking bad about the old man."

That's the same way I feel about George W. Bush. Screw-up or not, he's still our President and not the laughing stock of the rest of the world. This kind of garbage reminds me of when the popular kid walks out of the classroom and all of the other students make jokes...until he steps back into the room.

I don't normally back the President - I think he's the worst post-WWII President and the worst since Hoover - but I'm also an American. Jon Stewart is our national gadfly, not Hugo Chavez, who seems to lean a bit toward autocratic "I know best" tendencies himself. Like Bush, he's an egotistical man who savors power and hates dissent. You may not know this, but he wants to stay in power in Venezuela for 25 years, which is a problem, since Venezuela does not allow for a leader to stay on for more than 12.

Hmmm.

Apparently, however, he's a sensation. The UN gave him a standing ovation and he's been ribbing the President for a few weeks now.

Even Nancy Pelosi has called him a "thug":

"Hugo Chavez fancies himself a modern day Simon Bolivar but all he is an everyday thug," the House Democratic leader said at a news conference.

That makes me happy, and proves that the political climate is not perhaps as divided as we all had first imagined, because Nancy Pelosi is a fierce critic of Bush and a liberal herself.

Hugo Chavez and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (Iran) should just make out.

Finally, A Nightmare on MY Street!

For some reason - I'm thinking that a Special Edition DVD is in the making - certain movie theaters across the nation are screening the first installment of the 'Nighmare on Elm Street' series (last night and tonight only, mind you), and tonight is my night.

I'm extremely pumped, and for good reason. It's not very often that Hollywood thinks outside the box and gives fans an opportunity to be more than consumption maggots, picking the leavings from a hastily thrown-together edition of a DVD that's already been released twice.

Anyway, I can't be depressed on this issue, despite my intense hatred for the behemoth that is the movie industry. Even though, I must admit, I am being a little bit disingenuous right now. While Nightmare was a small success, it was hardly a 'Hollywood' picture. It was a borderline indie picture, and the quality shows through as such. It was a low budget picture at the very least - made for a measly 1.8 mil - and grossed around $25 million at the box office.

It is also pertinent for a few reasons other than its place as a cornerstone in the eighties 'slasher picture' genre. It featured a previously unknown Johnny Depp, but most of you know that, so I should say other things about this movie, right?

* The look of Freddy Krueger is derived from a homeless man director Wes Craven saw as a child. The man stumbled up to the Craven's front door and scared a young Wes. He had a horribly burned face and apparently Wes never forgot it.

* He later combined that with some newspaper articles he read, about students dying while under surveillance at a sleep deprivation center. They'd go to sleep and just never wake up. Strange, but mix with a little creepy guy from your childhood and !Voila! you have a horror story.

* New Line was not doing so well at the time of production; in fact, it was more or less going under, becoming a haven for low-budget, low-quality films. 'Nightmare' saved it, of course, and now New Line is a major player in the film industry.

* At one point, the Sam Raimi directed Evil Dead is playing on a television, and that is no coincidence. The story starts with The Hills Have Eyes, which had been released a few years earlier. Craven has one of the characters rip a Jaws poster in two, and, being a practical joker, Raimi thought it would be funny to place a Hills Have Eyes poster in the basement of his movie. Hence, the reason that Evil Dead plays a small part in Nightmare.

Waxing Philosophical on Sports Talk Radio

Today I was listening to The Herd on ESPN Radio, with host Colin Cowherd, as I usually do on extremely mind-numbing afternoons, when the normally outlandish Cowherd made a fairly philosophically intriguing point.

He said, roughly, that "I'm not an information guy. I don't like getting too much information, because it represents too much responsibility to me. I like not getting the little details beacuse the big strokes will do it. Give me when my show begins, when it ends, and when we have the guests and that's it."

Roughly.

Anyway, I found what he said to be pretty poignant and altogether true, if only on the most selfish level (if you've never heard the show, Colin is, as many hosts are, self-centered).

But I like it and it works.

For example:

You girlfriend is cheating on you.

Simple enough, right? It hurts but it's not the one thing that will bring you down, making you crumble like the Cookie Crook that you are.

Imagine your girlfriend cheating on you.

Bla-zow! You don't want to think about it, do you? I know. The Herd used the analogy of not wanting to know that a best friend's wife is cheating. I think that does the trick as well.

Ultimately, we all have to know more - otherwise there is no reason to continue on living - but on a more personal level, it's probably best to abstain from being the "TMI" guy/girl. You know why? It (should) alleviate some of your stress.

Think about it. If two of your best friends get into a tussle - that's right - isn't it easier to make it through the situation if you don't have to hear all of the details? If you don't have to play the third party?

And let's take it a step further: How much easier would it make your life to not make it your business to hear about all of the gossip all of the time? How untrue can the cliche 'Ignorance is Bliss' really be?

Wanna Make Really Short Porn? Try JumpCut

Kidding, of course.

The web site is Jump Cut and it's sort of like your own little video production studio, only you don't have some dick of a producer breathing down your neck.

Jump Cut allows you to upload, edit, and post your videos pretty simply. You can even re-edit - they call it remixing - other people's vids, making them a creation of yours as well.

It's highly recommended if you have some crappy home videos you want to make watchable, because nobody really wants to see you at your eighth birthday party, opening socks and turtlenecks craftily wrapped in Power Ranger paper. It's just not fair to the rest of us.

And you can't edit a watchable porn that's only two minutes anyway. There's no way I could get undressed that fast.

Movie Star Gets Busted with Marijuana

Willie Nelson, star of "The Dukes of Hazzard" and "Beerfest" was

stopped early on Monday morning about 7 miles east of Lafayette, Louisiana, for a routine commercial inspection, and a state trooper smelled marijuana inside the bus.

State Police seized about 1-1/2 pounds (0.7 kg) of marijuana and two-tenths of a pound (91 grams) of mushrooms from the bus, Williams said.

But the news isn't that Willie Nelson got busted, or at least that's not what's intriguing to me. Two things jump immediately to mind:

a) Being an advocate for the legalization of Mary Jane, how has he not been caught before?

b) How are more "stars" not caught with, doing, or holding drugs?

and, the optional third thing that jumps to mind, c) was the search done on purpose?

It just seems suspicious that Willie Nelson would get caught now. He's 73 - well, maybe he just couldn't outrun the cops - and has not really done anything that horrific. He wasn't even driving the bus, which you could probably fault him for had that happened.

Is it just that professional users - movie stars, rock stars, executives - are smarter than the rest of us, or are they truly above the law? However untrue the first part is and scary the second is, I'd have to say it's the latter is true. I think they must have to reign in a celebrity every once in awhile so it doesn't look too ridiculous to us.

To be fair, I don't think the search was done "on purpose". Well, at least I hope not, because there's a lot more that needs to be done in this country before senior citizen drug advocates who are pushing canola oil as a gas alternative get pinched.

But hey, I could be wrong...

YouTube's New Music Deal - YouRadio?

Nope. Sorry, even though it sounds like a completely kick-ass idea for the "we don't wanna pay" crowd, myself included.

However, Youtube did sign a deal with Warner to allow "users to watch music videos, behind-the-scenes footage, interviews and special content by bands and use music from the record company's catalogue on home videos uploaded to YouTube."

It seems to be a sly skirting of the issue - Copyright infringement - at a time when free dowloads appear to be unstoppable. Either the industry is learning to work with the masses - unlikely - or realizes what kind of fan backlash would result if YouTube were shut down - extremely likely - and I, for one, am ecstatic.

Only a few years ago, I'd have to have someone remind me of what commercials took place during the Super Bowl, a period during which my memory usually gets hazy (guess why). Now, I can just clack a few words into the search engine and - wha-pow - GoDaddy.com commercials right at my fingertips.

I can't think of anything more inherently American at this moment.

Don't Forget Sunday Adult Swim

Don't forget to watch Adult Swim tonight. Lots of shows are premiering or showing new epidsodes, including:

Venture Brothers



Robot Chicken



...and Metalocalypse, of course

Daily Views, Pop Culture, Rants, and News: Yeah, THAT can get your ass whipped.

I found this over at a great blog, so you should check it out.

Daily Views, Pop Culture, Rants, and News: Yeah, THAT can get your ass whipped.

Crap! That Was Right Near My (Future) Neighborhood!

A stealth bomber flew over New York City yesterday, and that struck me as funny:

[I] had to write you about this image. I was in Brooklyn Heights this afternoon, walking along the Promenade and saw what I could've sworn was a Stealth Bomber. I knew it couldn't be one, but at the same time realized that it had to be because of its unique shape. Sure enough, as it flew a little closer it came into view. Here are two shots I got.

That's pretty weird, isn't it? Can one of you image-expert types verify if it's real? And did anyone else see it, or know what it was doing here?

Update: as usual, it only took 15 minutes for Gothamist readers to solve the mystery:


This weekend at Yankee Stadium, the stands will be packed and the uniforms of the opposing players will have "Boston" stitched across their chests. Fox and ESPN will televise three of the games. A stealth bomber from the U.S. Air Force will do a flyover tomorrow.

That seems to be out of the normal protocol for those aircraft, doesn't it?

Video Game Exhibition Unveiled

For the Londonite lovers of Jinx Protocol, here's an article for those of you who..are..Londonites?...and...love...video games? What? Anyway, if you're going across the pond in the next few months, you should visit the London Science Museum. It might be the only time you'll ever want to visit the place.

London's Science Museum is to display more than 120 games - many with block graphics and wacky sound effects, plus others of a more contemporary nature.

Visitors will be able to play games dating as far back as the 1960s. The organisers also hope to show the cultural impact of games and consoles.

Too bad I don't live in the UK right now, or else I'd be ballin'.

Game On runs from 21 October to 25 February.

Ain't Your Daddy's Internet

The New York Times has an interesting article about the new age of video in iPod, etc. You should read it.

This Week's Cool Site: Found Magazine

Just because somebody found it doesn't make it interesting...Unless it's at Found Magazine. Have you ever wondered what happens to all the crap that gets "misplaced" on a daily basis? It winds up at Found Magazine Duh!

I cribbed this site from Bob and David.com, so I can't take full responsibility, but I don't know of very many people - at least the morons around me - who know about it, so check it out.

...It Gives Me Chills

Absolutely cool. This is the best choice I could find for "Today's Obligatory Video".



For Trivia: Name the main player/coach in each shot.

Georgia Football and Paris Hilton's Sex Life

As I sit here, with rabid Georgia fans just outside my window, honking their car horns and shouting mild obscenities at the top of their lungs, I've got to wonder what the hell I'd doing in Athens if not for the football.

I could go into some diatribe as to why Athens is the best college town in the nation - which, sorry guys, it is - but I've got other things on my mind.

I mean, honestly, is there anything in the country that makes people more excited than college football? Maybe Paris Hilton's private life, but even that is only interesting on days that Michael Jackson isn't being accused of molestation or Britney Spears isn't having some sort of WhiteTrashaThon with her comfortingly degenerate husband, Kevin Federline.

There's got to be something about the whole subject that makes us take a Darwinian step backward on Saturdays, meaning that I have seen some pretty intelligent guys do dumb shit without thinking twice.

But maybe it has more to do with childhood. You see, I think of college football and Saturday afternoons the same way I presume teenagers think of seeing their first issue of Playbor. Maybe that's an antiquated notion, since the internet has made it so easy to see anything - almost quite literally - but it seems to be a fair analogy.

The act of watching college football is, in and of itself, a harmless act. But held deep within the context lies the most prurient fantasies possible. Not sexually in this case, but most certainly in a dreamy fashion. Teenagers dream of seeing Tila Tequila naked in the same way I dream of Georgia winning a national title: with a sort of dreamy fascination.

It doesn't necessarily enhance my state-of-living and it won't make my life any easier, but I just want to see it happen. Just for the act's sake.

You see where I'm going with this? I don't just want Georgia to win. I want to see my dream come true. That's why I think a lot of parents take the nudie-mag issue way too far. Early on, most teenagers don't have any real desire for things; they have notions. It's the most innocent they'll ever be in terms of sexual exploration. Their bodies are changing and they only want to know what it's like to "get there", even if they don't know what in the hell that is.

Same thing with Georgia Football. I've never seen the pinnacle of college football, the nipple of excitement, which is the national title. I don't know; it's probably not even that great.

But still, I want to know what it feels like to get there.

Adopt-a-Dog Day

Since the Bulldogs are playing today, I thought it would be cool to have an "Adopt-a-dog" Saturday.

The Athens Animal Shelter is packed with animals that need love and attention, so you should at least check the site out for yourself or look at my pick of the week for Adopt-a-Dog.



Nalley and Talley are 10 week old Pit Bull Terriers. Aren't they cute? Since this is the first week I'm doing this, it it only fitting that I have two puppies on here, huh? Unfortunately, these two guys aren't the only ones who need homes. Lots of other dogs are stranded over there or have been given up by their owners. It's a shame, but you can make a difference by adopting one of these guys/girls.



The adoptiong fee at the Athens Animal Shelter is $50, and it includes:

The cost of adopting a dog is $50.00, which includes a DHLPP-C vaccination, deworming of your new friend, an adoption information packet, and a implanted microchip. You, as the adopter, are responsible for the cost of spay or neuter and for returning proof of surgery to Animal Control. Adopters must obtain a rabies vaccination for their dog by the time the dog is 4 months old.

I'm not trying to guilt you into doing anything you want to do, but I'm a dog-lover and only want to try to help out some of these poor animals.

Embracing MySpace

If I had to pick my biggest hubristic flaw, it would probably be my undying need to dislike all things popular - The Atkins Diet, Paris Hilton, and China just to name a few - but now I've realized that I can't be the (un)trendy asshole I used to be, just to spite people.

That's why I'm embracing MySpace - Finally. It's taken a few years, but I've decided to make a conscious decision to explore what the whole thing is about (well, I know what it's about, but I need to get on there and stop being a craggy bastard). I think the need to despise that particular online community is finished.

I'm now on MySpace:

http://www.myspace.com/jinxprotocol

I'm going to try to keep a blog up there too (That makes number SEVEN). Keep in touch if you like; I am no longer angry to be apart of MySpace, although I feel a little ridiculous being on there right now!

Killer Death-Obsessed Goth

The title of this post was derived from an actual news headline regarding the shooting at Dawson College in Montreal, as if that offers any sort of meaningful explanation for what happened in that poor community.

I've tried to avoid talking about the story itself, because I know that everyone has heard just about everything they need to know from other sources - and I hope you don't come to Jinx Protocol for all of your news - and I just wanted to "get in where I fit in" on the subject.

The story interests me in the sense that I'm intrigued by the reaction it has garnered from "prestigious" news-gathering organizations. You can even read the killer's blog, as the TimesOnline has uploaded it for your viewing (dis)pleasure.

The attack has already been compared to the dreaded C-word - not that one - and why not? Guy walks into (or up to, in this case) a place and just starts shooting.

I'm glad that it's being reported as an individual incident so far and not some manifestation of a sick youth culture, though. But for how long? CNN includes a whole section on the 'Dark Clad Loner', so allegations of a violent culture can't be too far in the future.

Unfortunately, isolated incidents can't be prevented in all cases. It's a sad and bizarre occurrance, but things like this happen. We could stop it if we miraculously made all children everywhere popular and well-liked and forced them to somehow enjoy being thrust into that all-important spotlight.

In other words, it ain't gonna happen. A little bit of inclusion goes a long way, but it won't take us that far. Some people are just too f*cked up to exist.

HOWEVER, that does not excuse everyone from understanding something. Just being a loner or a Goth kid doesn't make him/her a freak, or even that out of the mainstream. Most of them find a certain comfort in feeling outside of the norm while being completely conformist in their own circle. Try getting a Goth kid to wear a John Denver or Neil Diamond tee; that would really make him an outcast.

In a strange coincidence, Kimvee Gill and Charles Whitman were the same age (25) when they completed their strange oddyseys into madness.

Microsoft to Launch iPod Rival Before Christmas

I've had a passing interest in the Microsoft Zune, and today they announced that it would be released before Christmas.

PC World reported one interesting new tidbit about the Zune that I hadn't hear before:

Zune's wireless technology will allow users to share songs, playlists, and photos between Zune devices, Microsoft said. A user can listen to any song they receive up to three times over three days, after which they must purchase it from the Zune Marketplace if they wish to continue listening.

In addition, the Zune player will include an FM tuner and wireless capabilities, something iPod hasn't even explored.

You Should Just Probably Quit

10 Reasons Why Nobody is Reading Your Blog

Lincoln Chafee, Rhode Island, and YOU

[Note: I originally wrote this for the political blog, Politiparty, but I was so happy with its outcome that I thought I'd post it here.]

The political landscape is oddly blurry at this point, mostly because expectation doesn't account for anything whatsoever.

The most explanatory for the sort-of vague statement above resounds in the fact that Lincoln Chafee won his bid yesterday.

It's almost ironic tha the biggest battle was in the smallest state yesterday, with the "most liberal senator" in the GOP getting the nod as the Republican candidacy for his district in Rhode Island.

And, I think, his opponent was not the big loser yesterday - even though it seems he was - but expectation. Expectation truly did lose yesterday.

Democrats are hubristic to assume that everyone wants a change and wants exactly the same thing that they do (Bush/Republicans out of office). That's the Dems problem: they think that everyone is with them based on a few polls. And, to their credit, it should point to the fact that the country is unhappy and wants to go in a different direction.

However, a few polls don't make it so, I'm afraid. The fact that the war is a mess and we don't have the respect of the rest of the world doesn't mean that the American people are going to vote that way.

What did the movie 'Reality Bites' teach us? Expectation is nothing. Winona Ryder should have, by all acounts, gone with Ben Stiller. But she went with Ethan Hawke. I think Chuck Klosterman would agree with me that what someone should do doesn't mean that's what he/she is going to do.

Panic! at the Protocol Compound

I don't want to say anything official about it, but I think I've finally begun the slow, slippery descent into fogeyness. I hope not, as my fingers are tightly crossed, but I'm afraid that it is inevitable that I catch that oh-so-life-altering disease.

The symptoms probably began sometime in the middle of 2004, when the election - or re-election - of the president took over my life, and worsened this past December, when I graduated from college. That is usually the death knell for traditional music knowledge.

Unfortunately, this condition comes without warning and no vaccine exists that I know of. Attempts to cure it only seem to make its appearance more obvious. Sentences like, "Today's music is just crap" have begun to drip out of my mouth with alarming regularity and "I just don't understand it" has even become a quasi-slogan of mine.

Brace yourselves. It could only potentially get worse.

Without delving into a bunch of rock cliches to get the point across - it would only further date me - I realized today that I've got to do something. I'm beginning to get disconnected from the music more every day, as the conveyor belt continues to hurl artists at me that I don't know or don't care about.

Panic! at the Disco is the first artist to come to mind. I don't necessarily dislike the band, but there's something I definitely don't like. No, the fact that an emo band can get so popular doesn't bother me. It's something else.

The lyrics. I don't like the lyrics (which, I admit, may or may not extend from the fact they're a bunch of emo guys). The music, either, I don't like much.

And, for the longest time, I didn't think it was I who had the problem. But when a whole slew of artist became famous seemingly overnight - a sure sign I've developed fogeyness - I started to worry. I can't visit Rolling Stone without feeling a palpable sense of poseriness (which is not something that most people with fogeyness develop, so there's hope!). I don't know who some of the bands are, and the scary part is, I don't care either.

I think a lot of music out there right now is crap, and the good bands - The Mars Volta, for example - get little to no attention whatsoever. This is a typical opinion of mine - I am notorious for hating popular music - but I used to at least know the bands I hated. I don't even so much as listen to 99x anymore.

But what happens to guys who are out of the loop is that they overcompensate and listen to a bunch of newer music they happen across, playing it over and over until they're convinced they're hip.

And then you know what happens, kids? It turns out that the music they've been listening to actually does suck.

"Son of Sam" Has a New Father

Under the heading of "things I never thought I would read", David "Son of Sam" Berkowitz, who killed six people with a .44 caliber pistol in 1976, is now a Christian and, surprisingly, has a group of followers.

Read the article in New York Magazine.

To give you an idea of who he is, here is an excerpt:

To most New Yorkers, Son of Sam is still the iconic figure of evil. Thirty years ago, he began a reign of terror, killing six and wounding seven over the course of a year. With the city’s newspapers trumpeting each attack, he terrorized New Yorkers as no lone criminal has ever done. (no one is safe from son of sam, said a Post headline at the time.) Sam targeted young female strangers—white, college-bound prizes of the middle class. At times, he seemed to court the city. He believed, as he later put it, that “people were rooting for me.” After nearly three months without an attack, he wrote Daily News columnist Jimmy Bres­lin: “I am still here like a spirit roaming the night. Thirsty, hungry, seldom stopping to rest.”

Tonight on Nip/Tuck

I assumed that no show would take on Scientology directly, especially after the South Park debacle, but Nip/Tuck did it, proving yet again that the show is afraid of no taboo.

Without going into any detail, suffice it to say that Scientology may play a large - and largely strange - part in the upcoming season. Because if the two weakest characters in any given situation become enticed by something so different as Scientology, then it is just the quirkiness that is desired, not the effect.

I'll probably post more on this subject as the fourth season of Nip/Tuck progresses.

Visit Scientology Kills

MTV Lists 10 Most Anxious Characters. No surprise: James Dean Wins

According to MTV, Jim Stark, James Dean's character from "Rebel without a Cause", is the most angst-ridden dude in Moviedom.

Others who made the list?

Cameron Frye
The Narrator(from Fight Club)
Batman
and Martin Blank

Awesome.

Howard Stern - The King is Dead/Long Live the King

Howard Stern may soon be de-throned as the King of All Media, Media Life Magazine reports.

According to the article:

Hitwise reports that visits to Stern’s official site have been declining since the talk show host announced nearly two years ago that he was abandoning commercial radio for satellite.

Whereas in March 2005, Stern’s site attracted 0.016 percent of visits to all categories tracked by Hitwise, by last month that had slipped to 0.0047 percent, a decline of 71 percent.

Stop all your cheering! I still have to finish my article. It's my article! Stop it! I know you don't like him, but you'll have to quiet down.

Okay. I'm done. Keep on keepin' on.

Apple Unveils New iPod

Trying to stay abreast - ha! - of the music/movie technology, Apple today unveiled the new iPod and movie downloading service the company is offering.

Apple, who has paired with Disney, will offer new releases for download to the iPod for 12.99 and older movies for 9.99, proving once more that you have to nearly be a millionaire to keep up with all of this stuff.

But This is a Public Street!?!

This is a creepy video to watch. Warning!!!.

Some guy - I'd call him a jackass - shows up and begins to film at a Scientology event. Now, I say he's a jackass because he says the word 'public street' about a hundred times in the video, but anyway.

The cops show up and hassle the guy, telling him that he can't film there (He's standing on the sidewalk!). Eventually, the cops leave him alone and the "Three Strange MFers of the Apocalypse" show up and begin to hurl strange insults at the guy ("What are your crimes" is a popular one).

It's a disturbing video to watch, but I think it's necessary if you want to get an idea of how crazy Scientologists can be when their secretive crap is invaded.

Well, I don't think this is any different than the way another church would act if it's most popular member was under fire. But the fact that Scientology is a scam and not a real religion gives me full license to make as much fun of it as I want to, and I'm sorry that I compared it to "another church", because that's stretching it a bit.

Sorry.

Create Your Own Simpsons Character

If you've ever wondered what you'd look like as a guest on The Simpsons - I don't know if you've heard of that show - then you should head on over to the Simpsonmaker at Stop Being Bored.com.

In real life, I suppose I looke like Brad Pitt, so in the show I'd probably be really tall and handsome and there would always be a barrage of hot Simpson chicks wanting to get it on. Millhouse's mom, for certain, would end up in the queue for my yellow love...Anyway, I'm getting off-topic.

If they did more stuff like that, I'd probably start watching the show again.

What Desperate Housewives (Doesn't) Tell Us About Ourselves

Last night, while watching an episode of Desperate Housewives, in which one character declares war on a nun, another finds out her father is the owner of the local feed store instead of a Merchant Marine, and another is keeping her - retarded? - son locked in the basement for killing a girl, I came to a startling realization: This show is the most unrealistic piece of garbage on television.

And I love it. But that's not the point. The point is, the show is like the Bad Boys 2 of television drama in the 21st century (and easier to watch than Path to 9/11. Zing!). Not in terms of quality but in the sense that they've taken a single plot principle and driven it to its logical extreme.

That principle is this: keep making things worse for the characters involved and you'll have a more interesting show. That's the basic idea behind the writing of these episodes, I'm convinced. Sure, each episode has its own resolutions, but the corny voice-overs always allude to more trouble on the horizon, and that is the driving force behind the show.

They might as well be running over dead bodies or having characters kidnapped and taken to Cuba for the big finale. Even though it's not a bad thing, it is a very contrived thing. Perhaps that's why viewership fell so dramatically from the first season to the second. It was such a "new" idea to certain people, combined with the fact that the schtick involved a bunch of super-MILFs, and they just had to get it out of their systems before moving on.

9/11

I'm not of the mind that the terrorists will win if I don't blog today, so I'm not going to...I'd rather just consider this my moment of silence.

More How to Move to New York City Jibba-Jabba

I've found that there is no definitive guide to moving to New York, so I've decided to post a lot of the stuff that I'm learning about New York for myself and for the people, if any of you exist, who may want to move to New York sometime in the future.

Moving resources are tough to come by: there are so many moving companies that it overshadows the actual moving information.

So far, the best place I've found is the Moving Forum on Wired New York. It's not comprehensive, but it's definitely better than the other crap I've seen out there.

Books, too, it seems, only want to convince you to visit New York City. There are very few "How to move to New York without pulling your hair out by the clumps" sort of guide. It's all touristy crap that I have no interest in. I mean, there's nothing wrong with just wanting to visit the place, but I want to move there, so I'm looking for something specific.

The best thing I could find was The Cheap Bastard's Guide to New York City, and it's a fairly good deal, although it features less pragmatic information - where to live, what to do in case of a brutal attack - and more "look how cool you can be and not be homeless" sort of stuff. I like it, though, and it's helping me aquaint myself with certain parts of the city.

In fact, the more I look at the maps and search for apartments, the less NYC looks like a fictitious place and more of a real city to me. I like that idea, not feeling as though I'm moving to a foreign country.

I even found one of the first things I want to attend once I get to New York City. Nope, not the Statue of Liberty. Same with the Empire State Building. Give up? Okay, good.

It's a place called Rififi, and every Monday night, this bar screens classic horror movies - here is a list of the most recent screenings - with only a one drink minimum. I'll even include directions to the place.

Anyway, I hope you're enjoying your Sunday afternoon. I'm about to do some reading.

Good Day.

Top Ten Things About Ghostbusters II

I-Mockery has a great article regarding the ten best things about Ghostbusters II.

What's missing? The quotes.

- "There's always room for Jell-O."
- "I think they're more interested in my epididymis."
- "Kitten, I think what I'm saying, is that sometimes, sh*t happens, someone has to deal with it, and who ya gonna call?"
- "We had part of a Slinky. But I straightened it."

Also on I-Mockery is pictures for the upcoming Transformers Movie.

Megatron looks SO crappy.

Finally, SOMETHING Hurts Paris Hilton's Feelings

Read it at CNN.com

I make it a point not to write about this c-word, but this news is so big I couldn't help myself.

Paris Hilton's feelings can be hurt! All it took was a few cocktails and some erratic driving and - bam! - this bitch can be hurt.

Because, for the longest time, I felt like a little pygmy tribe trying to take down a brontosaurus.

I originally read the article at Blah Blah Blog.

Quotes Quiz - Tough!

TV Trivia
1. "Why do my knees feel like they want to tear up?"
2. "But I'll tell you what. If you want to use my likeness for a Hamburglar-type character, I'll sign off on that. ‘Mr. Banana Grabber' or something."
3. "I've got a son who tried to cut off his penis, a wife who flushed a gerbil. It's like I've moved back into Hell House."
4. "Look what the homosexuals have done to me."
5. "Looking at a cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away."

adult swim and shameless corporatism

I don't think that it would be a stretch at all for me to say that Adult Swim - or [adult swim], if you wish - is a cultural phenomonon, even if it's still sort-of underground.

But, then again, I could be romanticizing my own generation (look what that did to the baby boomers, eh).

See, I think that my generation - in an inexact sense - has found its new "late night radio." Or Midnight Special, Headbanger's Ball, whatever you want to call it. Only, our Wolfman Jack is named Frylock, and the late-night musicians we worship reside in a different reality, one where a metal band can rule, not only a country, but the world as well.

The group that has been affectionately called the Reagan Babies and unaffectionately called Generation Why is finally coming into its own, and the resulting cultural reality we live in is so postmodern it's not even funny.

Well, actually it is.

Adult Swim has done for the Gen Yers what late night radio and Headbanger's Ball did for previous generations: it lets us disengage from reality. While the Gen Xers were underachievers, unable to succeed with what they were given, the Pepsi Generation has taken the idea of underachieving and set the bar pretty high for it, if that's even possible.

In that respect, my generation parrallels the yuppies of the 1980s, though we are a bit more cynical. While the brokers on Wall Street realized that "greed is good," they still clung to a little bit of that idealism from the fifties (why else would Huey Lewis have a career).

That doesn't exist today. We are underachievers with high hopes, people who want to spend money without doing anything for it, unlike the Gen Xers, who didn't really want the money at all.

We don't have the belief that we can change the world - and that may have something to do with the situation in the Middle East - so we have nothing to hold us back from being completely self-absorbed.

We have XBox, iPod, PSP,TiVo, H2 (and the obviously ridiculous H3), PS3, Blu-Ray DVD technology, and square tomatoes.

And then there's Adult Swim. Adult Swim is the perfect embodiment of today's youth, myself included, and Aqua Teen, for that matter, is the perfect example of what I'm talking about. The show centers on instant gratification. At 11 minutes long, there's no need to muck things up with plot, so, being the creative geniuses that they are, the guys at Williams Street strive to make ATHF seem as though it were just thrown together, the television equivalent of a Jackson Pollack.

But it takes a lot of effort to make something look so simple. And that, my friends, is the beauty of our generation.

Some New Trivia!

1. What was Christopher Lloyd's name in th Back to the Future Trilogy?

2. Who plays the little girl in E.T.?

3. How many top ten songs did Lynyrd Skynyrd have?

4. Who Guests directs a scene in Robert Rodriguez's Sin City?

5. What do Misery, The Princess Bride, and Stand by Me all have in common?

6. What do Misery, The Shawshank Redemption, and Stand by Me all have in common?

7. Which of these actors was NOT in Anchorman?
A. Vince Vaughn
B. Seth Rogen
C. Paul Rudd
D. Chris Parnell
E. Luke Wilson
F. Catherine Keener
G. Ben Stiller
H. Paul F. Tompkins
I. Steve Carrell

8. How many seasons did Arrested Development last before it was cancelled by FOX?

9. What is Jack Black's character named in School of Rock? (Hint: it's not Ned Schneebly).

MTV Killed the Video Star

I've added some new videos to the sidebar menu, and I thought perhaps the last few posts were too impersonal. So, that being said, I'd like to ask you: What are your favorite music videos? I grew up in the golden age of music video: the 1980s. It's hard to believe that the 80s could be the golden age of anytyhing, but it's true. People like Madonna and Michael Jackson were made for MTV. And, to be fair, MTV pretty much made the both of their careers in that period. Ever since MTV blasted off with the Buggles’ “Video Killed the Radio Star,” the music video has become a part of our culture. Even though, as I assume you know, the medium has become less visible in recent years. Fast forward nearly twenty years. People began complaining a few years ago how ironic it was that MTV no longer played videos. Wrong! The Backstreet Boys, N Sync, Britney, and countless others were constructed through the medium of video. You have to ask yourself one question: was it worth what we've had to put up with over the last decade just for the video's sake? Were we asking for it by allowing a visual medium to control our perception of good? Ultimately, the answer is yes. Pop music changes and works in cycles and the boy band explosion at the turn of the century was almost necessary. Grunge had died out and a new, brighter sound was bound to emerge. That's why the advent of Youtube is so important - well, relatively speaking. While MTV has grown out of showing what are essentially three minute infomercials for bands, Youtube is now the place through which new careers can be made. The band Okay Go, whose video "Here it Goes Again" is on the list at right, exploded after posting their video to Youtube.

Some of my Favorite Videos:

fred phelps of godhatesfags.com on stewart and colbert

by: Jinx Protocol Fred Phelps is a Christian - although I don't know a single Christian who would claim him - who advocates the hatred of homosexuals - this is true - and it seems that it's somehow Stephen Colbert's and Jon Stewart's fault. In an address on his WBC network, Fred Phelps actually says: The comics of Sodom got roaring laughs when they bellowed out to their audiences, "Good evening, godless Sodomites!" Oh yes, Sodom and Gomorrah had their blaspheming comics, like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. The spiel is in reference to a remark Colbert made at the Image Awards, in which he actually did say, "Good evening, godless Sodomites." Hmmm. Other gems: Comedian Jon Stewart and his hooligan sidekick, Stephen Colbert, of the Comedy Central network, are two 'mockers and scoffers' who like to blaspheme God and Westboro Baptist Church. Source: Crooks and Liars BUT, to be fair, Fred Phelps doesn't just hate liberal "mockers and scoffers" who "blaspheme God". No "Mister" Phelps doesn't mind spitting venom in all directions. You might say he's "Fair and Balanced," in that regard. Gems: Thus, Bill O'Reilly is a helllbound, blaspheming hypocrite, claiming to be fair and balanced and running a no spin zone. Ha! O'Reilly is of his father, the Devil, lust of the father he will do. Kind of puts the whole "He's got the whole world in his hands" thing into perspective, doesn't it?

tony blair steps down...next year

by: tyler

Amidst controversy over the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, British Pri - ah, what the hell, you know who he is - Tony Blair will be stepping down next year.

Big news for our strange-speaking brethren from across the pond, but what does that mean for you?

Absolutely nothing. Sorry to sound like an American jackass, but for the most part, who runs GB won't really make a difference in your life.

It does show, however, how pressure can affect someone's power in another country. Over here, it's just a reason to keep on going. "Hell, they want me to step down? I'll show them. I'll just stick around another half decade or so. Hail, Satan."

It goes for all politicians, however, not just slimy Republicans.

Wet noodle Democrats do the exact same thing.

Take Joe Lieberman, for example. Or Strom Thurmond.



Even though he sounds like an adult from a Peanuts cartoon, Strom Thurmond is officially railing against the "nigger race" in this newsreel footage from 1948. He managed to stay - actually he flourished - in the Senate from 1954 to 2001!

He actually says:

I wanna tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that there's not enough troops in the army to force the Southern people to break down segregation and admit the nigger race into our theaters, into our swimming pools, into our homes, and into our churches.


source: wikipedia

It sounds a bit off-topic, but it plays into what I was talking about above: that politicians in America - not that they don't do it other places - will do just about anything to stay in office.

Strom Thurmond may have been a racist bastard - well, he was a truly racist bastard - but so were his constituents, and there's nothing that politician likes to do more than please his people.

Look at the way George Wallace flipped:

In the late 1970s Wallace became a born-again Christian, and around the same time apologized to black Civil Rights leaders for his earlier segregationist views, calling these views wrong. He said that while once he had sought power and glory, he realized he needed to seek love and forgiveness. It was because of this change in his worldview that Wallace realized the harm his earlier segregationist rhetoric and views had caused. His final term as Governor (1983–1987) saw a record number of black Alabamians appointed to government positions.

Wallace was racist, but only to please the good people of Alabama. I'll be a little bit more cynical than the wikipedia article above. It's my opinion page; I can do that. When it became politically advantageous for him to do so, Wallace switched his opinion like "that" (imagine a snapping sound).

Tony Blair story reported in the New York Times.

okay, so i'm not the first

How it should have ended is a great resource, and I feel like a sucker since I wasn't one of the first people to find it. In fact, the above video had been viewed 158059 times before I dumbly stumbled across it.

How it should have ended takes on movies with problematic - or just plain retarded - endings and changes them so they are more palatable.

So to speak. I mean, come on, who didn't want to see Braveheart end the way these guys imagined it?

Other films include: Willy Wonka, Underworld, The Blair Witch Project, The Lord of the Rings etc.

My personal favorite?

"

How Se7en should have ended, of course.

'headed' for trouble

- a group of men burst into a bar and flung human heads onto the dance floor, in an obvious move to scare a rival gang.

Read the story here.

sony ps3 delayed again

It was inevitable.

Sony PS3 Delayed Again.

Is this a manifestation of a bigger problem? The answer? I don't think so. Sony and Microsoft have been delaying releases of their consoles since they started making consoles, so it should be no surprise that the PS3 is getting delayed.

It will be released in America, but only half the number of consoles that were anticipated will be up for purchase.

The holdup? The Blu-Ray DVD technology, which will cause Sony to miss its deadline in Europe.

It's frustrating, especially for the millions of people who expected to get one of these toys at Christmas. Well, that sounds stupid; it wouldn't be frustrating for the people who don't expect to get one at Christmas.

The only implication of the delay is that game companies have become so used to announcing something important that it is forgiven if they fail to meet said expectation.

Taking the Microsoft approach will only get you so far, Sony.

the cache of celebrities

There's this thing that I do, and I just realized that I do it, right now as I sit at the computer desk (no, not that).

I try to make connections between movie stars of a decade - or more - ago and the rising stars of right now, if that makes any sense. But not in that "Jessica Simpson is a Marilyn in the making." That's much too simplistic.

Take Dane Cook, for example. I know it seems that I blog about the guy obsessively, but I think he's one of the most intriguing celebrities out there right now, much better than Nicole Ritchie or Lindsay Lohan (although N.R. may starve to death soon and Lindsay Lohan always has the potential of overdosing or ending up in rehab, which is entertaining).

I think Dane Cook had the potential to become Jim Carrey. Not like Jim Carrey. Be Jim Carrey. He possesses a lot of the same characteristics as Ace, but it doesn't seem that the movie industry is very conducive to a star vehicle the same way Ace Ventura was over a decade ago. Employee of the Month certainly isn't going to make him break out.

Although I feel two things tugging at me while I sit here (again, it's not that). First of all, history makes everything in the present seem cut-rate: Dane Cook is a cut-rate Jim Carrey, Christina Aguilera is a cut-rate Madonna, Tom Cruise is a cut-rate Margot Kidder, etc.

And secondly, no star is like any othe star. It's just a marketing tool that studios use and entertainment venues adopt to keep the charade of "sameness" alive. The studios want to perpetuate homogeneity, so they try to trick you into believing this movie is good because so-and-so is sort-of reminiscent of this action star.

More importantly, entertainment channels and magazines are lazy, so they'll say anything that sounds easy or hackneyed, as long as the least amount of work has to be done to get the story out. So they'll compare stars of today to last generation nobodies or even this generation nobodies, because it's easy and the purpose is not to gauge the success of a star on performance, but on Q rating.

A "Q" rating presents a star's likability, visability, other 'ilities as a numerical value. Because of the rape case, Kobe Bryant ranks right there with Fidel Castro and Charles Manson.

Anyway, off topic. Entertainment reporters are only looking to sell the archetype, not the individual, to the point that these narcissistic people begin to embrace such crap and market themselves based on those overplayed generalities. Paris Hilton is an heiress - she even named her book something similar to that - and so on.

And that's what brings me to my original point: I look at today's up-and-comers because of those large, broad strokes that stars are painted with. And with every star's downfall is another's rise. Life is being made more simple for us, not more complex, because it's easier to deal with a reality where we have a few slots to fill - that was no typo - and give up on the rest. We only need a nerdy-ish leading man, so Tobey Maguire, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Topher Grace will have to battle it out for that particular place or the two losers will have to adopt other personalities (i.e. marketing tools).

What good movie has Jim Carrey made lately anyhow?

50 strangest signs

A collection of the strangest signs ever.

captain alatriste trailer

I was perusing the blogosphere tonight and came across a Spanish-language flick starring Viggo Mortensen, called captain alatriste.



The person reviewing it didn't seem to like it, but I'm interested. And doesn't Viggo look oddly like Kurt Russell with a moustache? Think Tombstone.

Recent Posts

steve irwin dies - with a follow-up

no sleep 'til brooklyn! i'm moving to new york!

a quote

late night posting - thank you, dane cook

moving to new york, vol. 1

I've got a lot of archives, so be sure to peruse them!

the music snob

I am not a stranger to music snobs. I live in Athens, GA and they are not hard to find. Sorry. That's sort of a polarizing statement, and I find it difficult to be simplistic.

In fact, I am a music snob.

But I despise them with every fiber of my being, and I can't help it. I try to explain it away and say that I am the way that I am because of my upbringing. I became a diehard music nerd and an adamant elitist on principle, and for some reason I never turned back or tried to even myself out.

I became a snob in order to infuriate my peers. You know, the ones who listen to music for "feel-good reasons." Music as a background drone for drinking and such.

And, I thought it to be the "educated" thing to do. I had a terrible case of small-town syndrome and felt it necessary to do anything to piss everyone in my town off (once, during Field Day, I wore a long-sleeve flannel shirt, jeans, boots, and a stocking cap because I thought Kurt Cobain would be proud. It was May in south Georgia. I was lucky I survived).

So now I'm a music snob and, just like most music snobs, I hate other music snobs. I feel that I have a reason to like the music I do and other people are being pretensious jerks for no apparent reason than to feel better than someone who knows less about music.

Phew! That was a long sentence. Anyway, I feel important because I know music. I shouldn't feel good about being a snob, and my self-loathing has prompted me to write a little list to help you identify the snobs in your area so you can take them out, preferrably with some imaginative anti-zombie weaponry.

the music snob:

* will like a band that you hate just to spite you.

* will like a band that you like, and claim that you can't like that very same band because "you don't understand why Johnny Cash/the Pixies/Radiohead is so good."

* will like a cheap pop group and come up with some bogus, pretensious reason for liking them so they can seem cool.

* will insist that a cheap group is great two years after the hype is over just so you know they don't hate "all popular music."

* in that same breath, the music snob will talk about how some band you've never heard of is overrated so you can't "question the cred."

* will wear the clothing of a completely vacuous group to be trendy.

* secretly loathes himself/herself for disliking all popular music.

I am not in this group! Ha!

And, just to be honest, I hate those people just as much as the snobby assholes who won't let you feel good about buying the new Dave Matthews record.

I Don't Even Know What the Hell is Going on

All right. I recognize that there's a problem with the blog, but I have no clue how to fix it.

The blog looks fine if you use Mozilla:

crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap
crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap crap

...and so on. It goes all the way across, at least.

However, if you are an Internet Explore kind of dude/ette, then it looks more like this:

crap

crap

crap

Youtube

crap

crap

crap

crap

zombies

crap

...et cetera.

I am completely bereft of technical knowledge and therefore cannot fix the problem myself. I've toyed around in the Template, but that only seems to have made things worse. If you haven any suggestions, you are more than welcome to comment.

Moving to New York, Vol. 1

I almost started yet another blog, this one about the specifics of moving to New York. Unlike just about anywhere else in the U.S., moving to New York requires a certain - I don't know - resiliance that only a small portion of people like me (i.e. stupid) possess.

Beyond my stupidity is the worry factor. I am a huge worrier, and since yesterday I've gone into an emotional tailspin over moving to the NYC. It's a big undertaking, and I'm pretty sure I can do it, but I don't want to fail. This is the first BIG thing I've ever done - besides kill a cheetah - and I have to do it right.

So many people move to NY and just fail miserably (think Times Square in the eighties).

As you can see, I've made moving a bigger thing in my mind than it actually should be. Instead of it being a move to a bigger city, it has become a reflection of my relative resiliance and courage, basically all of the characteristics I hold true about myself. They're all on the line, and for that I feel like an idiot.

Update:

Just When I Thought it was safe:

New Yorkers are growing complacent about safety and evacuation planning and training is the key to the city combating another September 11-style attack or natural disaster, experts said on Wednesday.

"You need to rehearse, you need to rehearse and you need to rehearse," Galea told Pace University's "Aftershock: Rethinking the Future since September 11, 2001" conference.

The study surveyed 1,444 people who evacuated from the World Trade Center buildings on September 11 and found that 94 percent had never exited the building as part of a drill and 70 percent did not know where the emergency exits were.

Galea said New Yorkers were again becoming more complacent about safety, citing discussions he had with financial traders who had survived September 11 but did not know where the emergency exits were in their new building.

Is this just a bunch of fearmongering?

*No cheetahs were harmed in the publishing of this post.

New Stuff

I've added some stuff to the store.

Here's a Question

Who is your favorite Daily Show correspondent? It can be former or present, from Rob Cordry to Stephen Colbert.

Feel free to comment below.

The Daily Show

Just for you, I've posted a few Daily Show favorites, since the Roast of William Shatner - who is he anyway - has superceded Jon Stewart and his liberal ilk.



That's good, but this is better. It's the video that's taking the internet by storm, as of late. I even saw it on Fark today, which is strange, considering this happened quite a while back.



Happy Labor Day!

Zombie Site of the Week: We Want Brains!

This week's zombie site of the week is We Want Brains.blogspot.com. True, it's a blog, but it's more like a blog 2.0!

What? They...already have something like that?

It's like a...BLOG!

Good zombie sites are so hard to come by - mostly because the guys who usually do them are idiots not in disguise - so I like to highlight those that don't suck.

Classic Game Clip of the Week: Tecmo Bowl

Tecmo Bowl was one of my favorite games growing up, and here is an impossible run some C.H.O.A.D. mocked up to make it look original.

Sorry.

It's the best I could do on short notice.



Trivia question to accompany the video:

Where did Bo Jackson go to college?

Late Night - Thank You, Dane Cook

I'm posting at such a crazy hour tonight because of Dane Cook. It is his fault you have been neglected, my friends.



Boo this man.

No, seriously, I had to watch his newest special, Vicious Circle, and it was pretty funny, even though he recycled some earlier stuff.

Other than that, the world is about the same for the old Jinxmeister. Lady Jinx ed yo decided to move to New York City. That's pretty amazing, huh?

We've started to look for apartments, and that is not looking pretty. Looking for apartments in New York is like looking for caskets in a third world country, if ya get what I'm saying.

Here's an exercise for you: grab a box of Cheez-Its. Take one out of the box and place it on the ground at your feet. Jump right on top of the small orange square.

That's a 1000 dollar a month apartment in New York City.



Well, I can't be sure that I love the city yet, but I'm for sure excited about the potential of moving there. What sucks is that I learned something new tonight. When you get an apartment, you have to give them the a) first month's rent b)last month's rent and c) the security deposit (which is equal to one month's rent).

Just to emphasize this point, let's do some calculations. Just say the apartment is 1500 bucks a month, and that is a conservative estimate.

1500 X 3 = 4500.

If my calculations are correct - and I'm pretty sure they are - that means you have to have 4500 DOLLARS WHEN YOU SIGN THE LEASE!!! Holy shit!

steve irwin dies - with a follow-up

Steve Irwin died this morning, having been struck in the chest by a stingray while shotting a documentary at the Great Barrier Reef.

Time.com reported the "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin's death. Apparently, he just got to close to a bull ray and caught it right in the chest.

More on the Steve Irwin:

I really felt bad about Steve Irwin's death, and a lot of people seemed to be making jokes about the guy, or at least they ragged on his lifestyle. They were saying that he deserved it for screwing around with deadly animals and such, and I have to say that I disagree.

I don't necessarily equate Steve Irwin's death with Dale Earnhardt's, but I don't think they deserve to be that far apart. They both took chances and did things that most people wouldn't, and they died doing what they loved. For that, I don't see any need for ridicule.

And Steve Irwin did not chase down Crocodiles to make money or to look like an idiot on television. He did it because it's what he loved doing, and if he died that way, then he died with dignity.

Kroike, indeed.

A Hopeful Follow-Up:

The Times Online has a great article about Steve Irwin and a secret purchase he'd made to preserve a stretch of wildlife in Australia:

AS AUSTRALIA mourned the death of the naturalist and film-maker Steve Irwin it emerged yesterday that he had quietly purchased 90,000 acres of land to save threatened species.

Irwin, 44, who was killed on Monday by a stingray while filming an undersea documentary, had bought the land,about the size of the Isle of Wight, to preserve the habitat of koalas and porcupine-like echidnas threatened by land clearance.

I know it seems as though I'm going overboard with this stuff, but I think it deserves to be reported when a good man has done some pretty cool things. To maybe step back and be a little less cynical.

Once in a while. And if the bad can be reported, so can the good.

Lazy Sunday

It's a little after five in the afternoon, and I'm wondering where in the hell my Lazy Sunday went.

Not because I've wasted another day in front of the computer. Where is the SNL skit of the same name?

Youtube doesn't even have it. What the haps on the craps?

From Wikipedia:

After the film aired, it was posted to several Web sites and shared via e-mail. The film was viewed more than five million times at YouTube before NBC Universal asked the site to remove it, along with several other copyrighted NBC video clips in February 2006. [1] Warnings were also sent to other video sites. NBC later placed the entire film on its SNL web page.

Weird, huh? A parody rap song gets a cease and desist order from NBC Universal. Wow. I'd originally planned for it to be the video to accompany today's post, but I guess I'll just have to find something else.

Crap. You can't even get it on the SNL page.

Well, in lieu of the new season of Nip/Tuck coming out Tuesday, here's a promo video.

Bigfoot is a Big Hoax

The Arizona Daily Star - I didn't know that entire states had papers - is reporting that the White Mountain Apache Nation claims that the creature-that-doesn't-exist Bigfoot lives in the area near them.

Come on.

As if a bunch of American Indians saying it lends it any credibility. There is no Bigfoot, plain and simple.

FDR Can Walk!

Click here for a surprise.

Top 25 Smartest Cities in the U.S.

CNN released a list of the twenty-five "smartest" cities in the U.S., ranked in order of the percentage of people living there with college degrees.

You can read it here.

Go DAWGS!!!

Today is the first day of college football - the USC/Miss St. game doesn't count! - becuase those g*ddamn Georgia Bulldogs are playin'.

I know you probably can't read any of this because it's in red, but I don't care! Go Dawgs!

Northwestern Widow Gets ESPN Coverage; Ann Coulter Scoffs

To Lighten the Day

...And just to prove that people in Congress are just as out-of-touch as ever, watch this video of Congressman Joe Pitts explaining the detrimental effect Grand Theft Auto may have on youth.



Jackass.

Everything Except

Last week - or was it earlier this week - I blogged about a phrase which should be taken from us so that we may never abuse it again.

This week's target isn't a particular phrase, but more of a response. I came across it today and just couldn't help myself. I'd heard it for the millionth time, and I can't hold my tongue.

People, my people, it's time to disband "I listen to everything."

I know it's going to be hard, but it's just got to stop. Because there's more to it than just that response, and you know it. You say it because you don't want to be pigeonholed, and that's not a necessarily ignoble thing to do. I do it, too. I don't like to be pigeonholed, so I answer the "politics" question in a similarly disengenuous manner. "I'm sort of liberal, but I don't really like the Democrats" is the gist of what I usually say to that sort of question, and I die inside a little bit every time I use it.

But what I'm talking about is far more common and unnerving. Admit it. You know it's true.

If asked, "What kind of music do you like?" the response is always, "everything. I listen to everything."

Nope.

Just under the flesh is the admittance of barriers, so the statement "I listen to everything" becomes moot. Almost every single time I've asked that question, I've gotten basically the same answer.

"I listen to everything...EXCEPT ________."

Fill in the blank.

Most often, it's country. "I listen to everything...EXCEPT country." As if country is somehow beneath taste. And most people even say it as if country isn't music at all, but more of a disease that they (you) have quarantined in their (your) cultural lives. Like, "I lived with a guy who had country once, but he didn't get any of it one me." Well, that actually sounds about right, if you really think about it.

But it's not limited to country, or even to one type of music. That is what is so damn frustrating about the whole business. "I listen to everything, except ________ and __________."

Most often, it is a combination of rap and country, but there are variations. Rock itself is rarely mentioned, though "the loud, screaming music" is entirely feasible in this scenario.

Do you get what I'm saying? It's ridiculous. Just say, "I listen to rock music. That seems to cover a lot of ground these days. Pop music, oftentimes, is intertwined with the rock line, so you're even safe there."

"What kind of rock do you listen to?"

Hmmm...Actually, maybe you guys are right on this one.

Nah. Just stop saying it.