Dec 30, 2007

2007: In Review

I read many, many magazines every week/month/whathaveyou, and every one of them has paraded around 'The Year in Review'. What a self-absorbed idea. We're going to spend an entire issue telling you what you should have been doing all along this year, and it's going to cost you an issue off your subscription. Double whammy!

So, that being said, here's my top stuff of 2007 (Don't you dare say I'm not self-absorbed):

The 3 Best Movies of 2007 (That I Happened to See):

1. No Country for Old Men - Coen Brothers in classic form. As good as Fargo and as creepy as Blood Simple. A thinking man's crime flick, though, so if your knuckles ever bleed from dragging on the ground, then don't go see this movie.

2. Grindhouse (DeathProof/Planet Terror) - An experiment that both worked and didn't. The movie itself is a schlocky achievement, a throwback to 70s exploitation cinema, but it did none too well at the box office.

3. Superbad - A movie for every guy in high school who would kill to have something similar happen to him. Period. And it uses curse words a lot. Thank God. PG-13 sex comedies are the pits, man.

My 3 Favorite Novels of 2007 (Even though they didn't come out this year):
I was sort of too broke to buy a lot of books which came out this year, so I'll cull together the best 3 I read this calender year.

1. Child of God - Cormac McCarthy
This guy is brilliant. Child of God is about a guy who lives in the mountains and only comes down to kill people and then molest them. It's harrowing and a damn short read. Run to the bookstore if necrophiliac southerners appeal to you.

2. The Girl Next Door - Jack Ketchum
Easily the most disturbing book I've ever read, about a group of boys who torture a girl in their neighborhood. But, as I've said before, Jack Ketchum is the most underrated pop horror talent in the world.

3. Florence of Arabia - Christopher Buckley
No fiction novel captures the essence of the Middle East and our situation so effortlessly. I read the book in a single day. It's very, very difficult to put down.

The Best/Worst Presidential Soundbyte of 2007:

"I'm pretty sure there will be duck-hunting in heaven and I can't wait!"
-Republican hopeful Mike Huckabee. He also has said that we wouldn't have an immigration problem if abortion were illegal. Hmmm. Zany!

"You know that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Iran? Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran."
-I'm not sure if he's even running for president anymore, but John McCain sure does have oddly short arms!

"We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
-Hillary Clinton, just before being told what Communism really means.

To Be Continued...

Dec 16, 2007

Dec 12, 2007

I'm not a jingoistic sort of fellow. I don't jump on the 'America Rules the World' bandwagon very often, but after seeing this documentary, I have to admit that I felt an amount of pride for my home country.

'Air Guitar Nation' follows the exploits of the first American - C-Diddy, respectively - to be allowed to enter the World Air Guitar Championships.

You probably think that I'm being facetious, but I'm not. Even though Rock Music was invented in the US, The World Championships takes place in Oulu, Finland, and the other countries remain hostile to the newest contender for the title throughout the documentary.

The tension of the film builds to a pretty finger-biting conclusion on the world stage (no pun intended), as C-Diddy performs his signature tune for the 5,000 Finnish viewers. You will question it. Will he win? What happens if he doesn't? Does that mean that we're a joke? Is there something that we're not good at, and will losing it reveal that we're not really good at anything?

And so on and so forth.

C-Diddy even has a web site with a Cafe Press shop, where you can buy t-shirts and Such. I'm tempted.

Is George W. Bush Made of Teflon?

The latest scandal involving The White House has me wondering, Is there anything that will stick to This President? Or this Administration? Or anyone in this Administration (Scooter Libby excluded)?

I cribbed the above quote from the stand-up of David Cross (A) because it's so true and because - even more alarmingly - (B) it was spoken years ago, before the appearance of the majority of these scandals.

Plamegate, and now, Waterboarding-Gate (which I'll even admit is a tad too cute and glib for its own good) calls into question whether or not the President even gives a crap that laws are (allegedly) being smashed into little pieces. And, as hot as Dana Perino is, she's no good at covering up all of the clandestine shit they've involved themselves in.

But enough about that. I'll have to now turn on the Dems for a moment. Democrats, you can't go around scolding Rudy Giuliani for doing something that, ostensibly, Bill Clinton did a decade ago. The only difference is that Rudy Giuliani at least had the common courtesy to give his mistress a cool ride home on the government's dime.

Dec 10, 2007

Ghosts N Ghoblins - And the Falcons Suck!

This is the game I just got in the Nintendo Wii Virtual Console (along with the impossibly hard TMNT game, just so you know), and it's kicking my ass. I used to be so good at this game when I was, like, eight. What happened to me?

Also, the Falcons just lost another game. No surprise there, I guess. Thank God it's the first game they've lost in awhile. I'm so glad we have Michael Vick to shoulder the team when it's down, and he'll be carrying us to the playoffs. What a great investment he was.


Sorry the blog has fallen into abeyance lately. My alacrity for composing my thoughts has waned. Becoming an apostate has not helped - I think I've apprised you enough as it is on the state of my (lack of) religious beliefs.

So perhaps it is that I've becoming ascetic about my prospect of becoming a world-renowned blogger. But let's not obviate the existence of my blog. I think it's worthwhile. You can be oppobrious if you like, but don't be overweening or else I'll...

Oh well, that is just enough, I think. You get the idea. I'm studying for the GRE, so my life has become a worthless amalgamatino of strewn-together moments bordering sometimes on coherence.

I thought I'd (not) entertain you by displaying some of the new words I've learned through my studies. I've really, truly got to study. The test costs $150 bucks, so I've got to make that first time worthwhile.

I won't take the venerable test until late January or early February, so hopefully I'll be good and prepared by then. My goal is to make a 600-650 on the verbal section (I'd be at the 85th percentile in the nation) and a 500 on the math section (not so much).

I think I can accomplish that. Just so you know, I'll be pursuing a Master's in English Education and will (hopefully) be teaching in two years. Cross your fingers.

Other than that, I'm about ten to fifteen pages away from finishing the fourth novel, a sort of Southern Crime novel about two brothers fighting off a rich man's mob to preserve the ownership of the land their father has recently bequeathed to them. Not too shabby, huh?

And, as soon as I finish that one, I think I'll either (A) take a break for the rest of the year or (B) jumpt headlong into the fifth novel. I guess you can probably guess what I'll be doing. I've written three novels already this year. If I can bang out half of another one, it'll be all the better.

Dec 8, 2007

No Country For Old Men - Next Day Impressions

I have to say, a lot of people were disappointed with the ending to 'No Country for Old Men' last night. Mostly, they were younger guys - or at least younger than I - who wanted a very typical ending to the movie.

Without revealing too much, I will say that the ending is probably not what you expect, but what you should expect from the tone of the movie and the snarkiness of the Coen Brothers as filmmakers.

LP liked it the more she thought about it, and I absolutely loved it. One half of our friend Bendy liked the movie, also.

It's bloody and full of darkly unsettling MOOD. It's great. It's at least the best movie the Coens have made since Fargo, which is saying a lot. I think that it's sort of a mixture of Blood Simple, Miller's Crossing, and (only because of the setting) Raising Arizona. Ethan and Joel Coen do the Southwest so well, and No Country is no exception. Roger Deakins's Cinematography is brilliant, especially (but not limited to) the scene in the hotel. (Once you see it, you'll know exactly what is meant by that)

I want to go see the movie again, because I feel I'll have a more even-keeled viewpoint of it. It definitely has potential for an Oscar, but it is not a movie for the masses, I'll admit. There are times when the normal filmgoer will be angered. No Country for Old Men is a thinking man's (or woman's) movie, and not a formulaic crime noir, as some might have thought. You'll definitely be surprised. With the ending, most certainly, but with the beginning and middle, too. The movie is - I won't say slow - deliberate in its pacing, and older patrons will probably enjoy it more, if they can handle the blood and cursing.

I loved it. Great movie.

Arrested Development...Out on Bail?

News of a possibled - keep your fingers crossed - 'Arrested Development' movie has got me sad. :(

Why? you ask. I should be excited, right? I mean, what would be better than a one-off movie of one of my favorite sitcoms?

"The 'Arrested Development' movie is not dead, au contraire," the dearly deceased show's star, Bateman, told us Monday. "[Over the weekend I had] a little phone call, just catching up, a little reaching out and touching."

See, my problem lies in the fact that I would want the series to keep on going. The movie would be great, but I would want there to be a Family Guy-type ressurection.

And that would just crush me, if it weren't to happen.

Still, I can't deny that an AD movie would be awesome. I just hope Michael Cera hasn't gotten too big to do it. Jason Batement, meanwhile, has been lobbying for the opportunity to ressurrect the always great show.

"[During the strike] you're allowed to write things you're not being paid to do," Bateman explained, revealing almost as much as a never-nude. "I'm trying to talk [Hurwitz] into writing the 'Arrested Development' movie. And he could be coming around."

Dec 2, 2007

[No Subject] - But There's Football!

What in the hell is going to happen with the National Title Game? As most of you (who watch college football) know, last night confirmed what everyone has been talking about for the last thirteen weeks or so: It is one crazy college football season.

It is a very curious situation we're in right now. We, being the imperial we, the college football world, of course.

I thought that everyone sort of figured that Oklahoma would beat Mizz. They've had a great season and all, but a #1 Missouri team just didn't seem right. And Bob Stoops and Oklahoma have been to the dance more than once.

So seeing the Missouri go down was no big deal.

No one - and I mean NO ONE - picked Pitt to beat West Virginia. The days leading up to Saturday, you could almost hear the analysts breathe a collective sigh of relief regarding the fate of the biggest and last game of the year.

Ohio State versus West Virginia. Not a great match-up - at least not a dream match-up - but a great venue for two superb teams to play each other for the title. Certainly, it seemed as though the WV story would be interesting.

And would Ohio State bounce back, after last year's embarrassing loss to Florida.

...Well, it didn't exactly play out like that. Pitt pulled off a near-miracle, stunning West Virginia with a 13-9 slobberknocker that ended with a safety.

So now what?

Number three Ohio State, in all likelihood, will move up to number one to play in the BCS National Title Game.

But who is number 2?

Georgia, ostensibly, if you were to go with trends. One of the biggest obstacles to them getting to the game is the fact that they did not win the conference. Hmmm. But didn't the voters pick them to be number 4 behind WV, Mizz, and OSU even when they knew UGA wouldn't win the conference?

Last year, Michigan didn't win the Big 10, and people complained that they weren't given a shot in the national title game. So I think winning the conference is overrated.

But we also saw how that game turned out, as well.

I'm a Homer for UGA - I would like to see them play in a National Title Game - but I also see why it should be an Ohio State/LSU game, or maybe USC/Ohio State. I don't see somebody like Oklahoma jumping UGA, but the other two teams seem to make sense for the title game.

The big soiree to showcase the combatants in the final game of the season will air tonight on ESPN.

Nov 27, 2007

'Stiff' Dogs

I'm currently engaged in Mary Roach's wonderful expose on human cadavers, Stiff, and I just found out how dogs are trained to track down dead bodies. No, not through rolling around in it and bringing it home. That seems to just be my beagle, Brodie.

See, when bodies decompose, they emit different types of gases and other horrific scents. One of these is putrescine, the same smell that dead fish give off. Putrescine is a very distinct smell, apparently, and dogs are able to pick it up, even when bodies are submerged in water.

How do they end up training the dogs, you ask.

Well, there are companies that produce bottles of artifical putrescine! Wouldn't you love to work in that office? The dogs are then taught to look for that scent when they play, with simple games like fetch and such.

Also, I learned that car companies use a 'smell meter' to tell if a car has the right amount of new-car-smell or not. If it doesn't, the car doesn't pass snuff, no pun intended.

Nov 25, 2007

Save Friday Night Lights - Watch It!

Friday Night Lights has become an obsession for me. It would for you, too, if you watched it. That's right. Don't look away, pretend that it's somebody else who's not watching the show.

America, it's time to buck up. You let me down with Arrested Development and Futurama and, for a few years, Family Guy.

Don't do it with Friday Night Lights, as well. FNL (for those in the know) is NOT about football, so don't pretend that it's beneath you. I tried that for a season, and it didn't work. The show drew me in regardless of how much I fought.

This may be coming at a bad time, with the strike and all, but luckily for you the first season is out on DVD. I promise that if you go out and buy it (in the sad ocurrance that you don't have Netflix) you will not be disappointed.

Friday Night Lights. Fridays at 9 on NBC.

Nov 15, 2007

Sick Of It All, Or Just Sick

So I've been on Death's doorstep for the last few days, but he (or she) won't let me in. Bummer. I'd almost rather be dead than feel as sick as I do right now. Blech.

Anyway, I've been up to nothing but work and reading and writing and video games for the last few days. It's like that episode of Doug where he gets the really cool video game system and has a lost weekend. You know?

Except the game that I've been playing is Guitar Hero 3: Legends of Rock. And it is HARD! Well, I should say EXPERT!!! I've made it to the last batch of songs, and let me tell you, it is nothing to smirk at.

I've given you a video for some other schmoe trying to beat the song that is kicking my ass. Slayer's Raining Blood. Not a joke. Not even funny. There's not even words to describe how hard that song is.

I would say that I'm proud to have made it this far on expert, but I'm not. I only want to beat the game, and that's going to take at least another week, maybe two. I refuse to give up.

Oh, I also bought Super Mario Galaxy for Wii but I haven't played it enough to have an opinion. LP has, and she loves it. In fact, she's screaming at it for being so hard right now. Peace.

Nov 10, 2007

Living on the Edge

The only reason that I've named this post as it is is because it's the song playing on the radio right now, and I don't have any way to tie it to anything happening in my life at the moment.

So there it is. I won't even include the lyrics, because they're pretty self-explanatory, and do you want me thinking that mid-90s Aerosmith can be insightful in any facet? It's the same decade in which they released the Armageddon theme song. I dare not even speak its name.

It's a gameday in Athens - the Auburn game - and I'm stuck at work, though it's oddly liberating. Lots of attractive people are flowing in and out of my place of business, many of them hilariously drunk (and some of them not), though half of them are merely using the bathroom, which is not so attractive.

Neither is monotonous talk about Gamma Phie Beta, and I'd almost rather imagine them micterating or defacating than hear them actually talking. Sorry.

Either way, I'm sort of coming to the realization that my twenties will be remembered as the time when I wrote a bunch of bad crime novels and worked and drank a lot, and that seems just fine. I don't know that I've reconciled myself with it, but I'm getting there.

Patting myself on the back is a pastime I am allowed from time to time, since I've done nothing extremely important or productive with my life. Technically, even though I'm a college graduate, I'm still a blue collar guy and I may never get out of that, either, unless manage to get back to school and make something of myself.

Have a good Saturday. Go Dawgs.

Nov 2, 2007

Pimping the Other Blogs - Don't Hate Me

Adjectives on the typewriter
He moves his words like a prize fighter
The frenzied pace of the mind inside the cell
Shadow Stabbing

I write a lot during the week, so I don't get to blog as often as I would like. I'm currently working on the fourth novel and editing the third novel, both of which I'll probably release on the web for free under the Creative Commons Copyright.

But just because I don't post to JP every day doesn't mean that I DON'T blog. I've got several at this point, and if you like, you can just click on My Profile or whatever and that will let you know what other blogs I've got going.

I especially like 'Videos Too Heavy to Hold'. It's a collection of heavy metal videos I've found on YouTube that take me back to my headbanging teenage years.

Also, there's Macabre on the Web, which is just an amalgamation of evil things that interest me. Docs on Serial Killers, Satanism, the Occult, ghosts, that sort of thing.

But if you get a chance, check them out and drop a comment to let me know you stopped by. Thanks!

To find out more about Creative Commons, click here. Basically, it's copyright protection for people putting out 'free' media.

Oct 29, 2007

Tebow-a Constrictor

Now who
Alone I'm thinking
why is superman dead
is it in my head
we'll just laugh instead
worry about the weather and
whether or not you should hate
~Our Lady Peace
Superman's Dead

I actually tried to find a really corny picture of Tim Tebow to emasculate him, but this one was just too much. I couldn't help myself. That girl seems to have such personality.

Either way, the Dawgs really handed it to the Florida Gators this weekend. First time since 2002, and it couldn't have been sweeter.

NO ONE - and I almost mean it literally - picked the UGA Bulldogs to win the game this past weekend. Now we're back in the race to win the SEC East. With some luck - a Tennessee loss and a win against Kentucky and Auburn - there is a great possibility that it will happen.

But you know how those things go.

Sorry I haven't been posting the past week, but I had a break from work, and I chose to spend it in a way that is NOT sitting in front of a computer screen. Well, I did work on the newest novel, but that doesn't count.

What did I do? I had an Oreo Brownie from Starbucks - awesome! - and I drank a beer called 'Old Chub' (it's Scottish). Not at the same time, though. That would have been just gross.

I got to hang out with my buddy Johnny and his ferocious cat Conan (pronounce CO-nan, like the warrior, not the talk show host) and listen to old rap songs that I did when I was in college.

LP and I laid around yesterday and read and I played the new Guitar Hero. I actually stood in line to go pick it up, so my nerd quotient is raging right now. Furthermore, I've already almost beaten the game.

Give me a break, though. There was no Falcons game yesterday. And, if it makes it any better, it's going to take me quite a while to beat the game. Metallica's 'One' and Slayer's 'Raining Blood' are two of the last songs. Just thinking about those songs makes my forearms ache.

Go Dawgs. 2 SEC games to go.

Oct 23, 2007


Drunks and losers,
Dwarves with limps,
Flos and ho's and one-eyed pimps -
Down the alleyway they creep.
They're all your friends when you can't sleep.

Come with me and you will see.
A late-night-freak-show-Jubilee!
Kick the Sandman in his sack;
Stay up late - Insomniac!
~Dave Atell

I can't sleep. I haven't been sleeping well a lot lately, and I don't know why that is. But here I am. I haven't updated in several days and I guess this will have to pass for a blog posting.

Oh, but here's something I'd like to bitch about. While I'm here and everything. You know what I hate? People who go through the 10 items or less line in the grocery store with a cart load of stuff.

And it's not even the fact that they go through with it, even though it's a travesty to everyone but the person directly involved, but the way in which they go through with it, pretending as if they don't have fourteen boxes of Jell-O and multiple cans of tuna fish and gravy and every damn thing imaginable stuffed into the cart like inmates in a prison.

I wouldn't have even thought about it, but it happened tonight while in line at Publix. Urgh.

Anyway, that's about all in the life and times of Jinx Protocol. Oh, but it's going to be a short week. That's another great thing about this week, is that I've already mailed it in, it feels like.

You see, the week of the Georgia-Florida weekend is a big deal. The game has to be played in a 'neutral' spot, though anyone from Athens can tell you that six hours away in Jacksonville is hardly neutral, so to prevent every single football fan from flunking out of school, the University of Georgia closes down for two days - Thursday and Friday - so people can load up and go down to Jacksonville.

And they call it Fall Break. It's genius. For those out of the realm of understanding, they also call the tailgating in Jacksonville 'The World's Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party', and it pretty much is. The Presidents of both schools play down the phrase, but it's the one which has stuck and anybody who's anybody calls it that. Or TWLOCP for short.

Now, I have to work Thursday, but Friday's a freebie. Which is awesome! If there are no students in town, then it's almost pointless for me to work.

Don't forget: Kickoff of the GA-FL game is 3:30 on Saturday. Go Dawgs!

Oct 19, 2007

'Can' You Dig It?

You want to come down to the underground
Old school - here's a shovel can you dig it fool
Can you dig it (we can dig it)
Can y'all dig it (we can dig it)
~Tag Team
Whoomp! There it is

While just perusing the internet yesterday, I found an interesting article about canned 'goods.' I'm in a punn-y mood today, so I want to call them canned 'bads.' Basically, Wired composed a list of the most interesting canned goods online. Most of them come from other countries, so maybe I'm being a little culinarily-xenophobic - maybe! - but these foods just do not look appetizing at all.

Because, I'm here to tell you folks, you really don't want to eat any of the things on the list at The picture on the right should just about tell you everything you need to know about it. Surströmming. That's what the pickled, canned, rotting herring dish is called. Blech.

And it gets worse (I think). But I don't want to ruin it, so go check it out for yourself. You'll get a laugh out of it and maybe gross-out some of your friends.

Oct 16, 2007

Texas Flood (Please Come to Georgia)

Well there's floodin' down in texas
all of the telephone lines are down
Well there's floodin' down in texas
all of the telephone lines are down
And I've been tryin to call my baby
lord and I cant get a single sound
~Stevie Ray Vaughan
Texas Flood

I know it's not typical of me, but I'm going to have to get into a little bit of reality here. We've got a problem. If you don't live in Georgia, then you may not even know about what's going on down here.

And that's okay. But it's dire. We are experiencing the worst drought in over 100 years - You can read an article about it here - and Athens, GA (my town) is considering closing down the University of Georgia after Thanksgiving to combat the horrible conditions down here.

That may not sound like an extreme measure, but consider the consequences. If UGA decides to give final exams early - before the Thanksgiving holiday - then it may well lose its accreditation status. A University must maintain a certain number of hours of studay per credit hour to keep that precious status.

The other solution is just as unsavory. Should the university wait to give exams in January, when the students would purportedly return, then not only would it throw off the entire semester schedule, most of the morons - ahem, students - attending UGA would have forgotten everything, causing mass hysteria, I'm sure.

They're even considering canceling Bulldawgs home games. And THAT, my friends, is a big deal to the people who live here. Not the drought itself - that, they think, would pass - but the loss of college football.

I don't know. Maybe that would spur people to actually care about what's going on right now. This almost answers that question: What do you love more, the Bulldawgs or your very own livelihood? Hmm. I love college football, but I also love water and my job, which depends on students being in classes, so I'd say that whatever it takes to get the situation back under control is what they should do.

I mean, college football would probably go away well AFTER school and government down here, I'm sure, but if it does, I'll just have to hole up until this whole thing blows over.

PS: if you have any water to spare, America, please send it down here to us.

Oct 10, 2007

Evolution Debunked - Finally!

Well, I've been waiting for a conclusive answer to all those scientific theories of evolution. Thank Jehosephat I finally found it! In ten minutes a thirten year old kid proves what no scientist in the last hundred and fifty years has been able to do. Prove that evolution is bullshit.

Okay, all kidding aside, this video is as hilarious as it is completely and utterly untrue. I hope you enjoy it, Avid Reader, because I picked it out just for you. Our existence and knowledge of being has nothing to do with a set of long, protracted evolutionary steps. It was a talking snake in a tree. Come on, people!

Oct 8, 2007

Mondays are Fundays for Sundaes

Hit you with funk, it's like, Who cut the provolone?
Government officials put a tax on my mobile phone.
Paragraph President

Well, despite the fact that this weekend sucked - don't even ask me about the thing we used to call Georgia Football - the week is starting off all right. I mean, the Falcons are terrible and the Braves dropped a clunker this year, so everyting feels like normal in my world.

Mondays are usually crappy, full of just bad will toward the fact that I have a five-day workweek, but this Monday is just fine, thanks.

LP took the GRE today and got back part of her score today. The verdict? She kicked the hell out of it, and I'm glad. I knew she could do it, and now so does she. It's great, because I think she'll be able to get into UGA's History Ed program for the Spring. Congrats, LP.

My day has been going well because work hasn't sucked, and the day is almost over. Fan-effing-tastic.

Tonight's TV is good - I can't wait for Chuck and I'm working on beating one evil XBox game. It's called 'The Suffering: Ties That Bind', and even though it's a few years old, it's still a pretty entertaining game.

Sadly, it's one of the few urban games out there, too. I hate using the 'U' word as a euphemism for black, but that's just what it's become, I guess. I don't remember when Urban became synonymous with black, but believe me if I could change it I would.

Either way, 'The Suffering' is awesome. I don't know what it's about, really, but you are an escaped prisoner who can transform into a demon and fight off other demons in this post-apocalyptic 'urban' landscape. Think Doom-meets-GTA. Very bloody, very disturbing - LP won't even come in the bedroom while I'm playing it - and extremely fun.

I'm just glad that I'm getting back into video games. For a while, I thought I had unintentionally outgrown them. Which is weird, considering just how much of a child I truly am. Thankfully, I can maintain a semblance of my childiness without seeming weird.

Oct 6, 2007

Keep the XBox Away From My Wrists...

I should not be allowed anywhere near NCAA Football, I've decided. Last night, after finally deciding to watch Friday Night Lights during a BRAVO marathon, I popped in my nearly-two-year-old version of college football - which has Matt Leinert and Mario Williams and Vince Young - and proceeded to have a conniption fit with my new dynasty.

I'll pretend that you give a crap about my fake-football-world and expound on why I was so touchy. LP gave up on my mood and went to bed, if that's any indication.

I started a dynasty with the Maine Bears. Stop laughing. It's the truth. I thought that spending several years building up a program that was never that special in the first place would be a nice change from being UGA or USC or any other team that can obliterate just about anybody on the field.

Boy, was I wrong. I found last night that I like winning too much to have any compassion for a bunch of bums who couldn't make it at the other, bigger, more flashy schools.

So I did what any self-respecting gamer would do: I cheated. During the game you can change from one team to the other, if you don't mind losing the 'Campus Challenge' points, which I have never cared for much in the first place. I did exactly that, taking my 'opposing' team back to the one yard line and downing it through four downs so that the Mighty Maine Black Bears could take over and score easily, becasue otherwise I would have gone completely and utterly winless in my first season.

It may sound great to you to manipulate a fake game for rigged results, but I have to be honest. It is completely and mind-numbingly boring. After the first quarter, I almost gave up coaching altogether. If I'd had the power, I probably would have just abandoned the football program and opened a laser tag club squad in its stead.

Rather, I persevered, glutton for punishment that I am, and spent the next three hours doing the same thing for two more games. Jesus, I'm so exhausted today. I feel as thought I have actually played a football game, pads and all.

So, to reward myself for my hard-fought - wink wink - victories last night, today I'm merely going to lie on the couch and watch real college footbal while drinking the remainder of my Sam Adams Octoberfests.


Oct 2, 2007

Up-Chucked and Down with Dirty Money

I've been talking about television a lot more than I probably would like on this blog, but so many new shows have come out that I'm picking up - thanks, LP. And, as per usual, I can't keep my opinions to myself.

None of the shows premiering this go-round are classic, but some of them are entertaining and others merely watchable. Still others I refuse to even scroll by on my TiVo because I think I might hurl.

'Dirty Sexy Money' is anything but. It's a pretty cool show, despite the crappy, crappy, craptastic name. The family involved is named Darling, so I think 'Darling Money', even, would be a better title for the show than 'Dirty Sexy Money.' The name, particularly, is why I didn't want to watch the show initially.

However, it's sort of a half-assed Arrested Development that's slightly more serious and less self-referential. Think AD mixed with any number of bland NBC hour-long dramas. I give it a perhaps-you-should-give-it-a-shot-but-by-no-means-am-I-endorsing-it vote.

'Reaper' is interesting, even though it's on the CW. I most certainly wouldn't have watched it had Kevin Smith not been involved. Again, I was surprised to find that it was genuinely funny in some parts and intense in others. I wasn't in love with it, but I think it has potential to be a pretty good show.

'Chuck' may be the most intriguing of them all, 'Back to You' notwithstanding (See my post). I don't know how long the shtick can keep up, but I've really liked the first two episodes. The second was a little more action and less nerd than I would have liked, but overall it was okay.

Granted, I'm just getting back into watching television, and I watch about 400 percent of what I used to, so I'm having trouble keeping all of the other parts of my life in check. But I think it might be worth it, if some of these shows pay off in the end.

'Desperate Housewives' seems better than last season, which - I thought - was atrocious. It's still not as intriguing as the first season - the writers haven't given Mike DelFino his balls back - but some pretty cool things are happening. SECRETS are back, and I don't know how they forgot about that with the third season.

'How I Met Your Mother' is still, by far, my favorite sitcom. Countdown to Slap-Bet is Effing genius, and I hope it pays off this season. 'Nuff Said. If you haven't watched the show, do. It's great. Unless you suck. Then it's not for you.

I haven't watched the first episode of 'Dexter' this season yet, but I'm severely looking forward to it. 'The Office' and 'My Name is Earl' were classic - think Michael Scott's final moment in the episode - and '30 Rock' looks to be hilarious. Thank God it's back.

sorry this post was so long.

Sep 30, 2007

David Letterman Grills Paris Hillton Video - Awkward!

This whole video is the reason that I'm so much a bigger fan of David Letterman than Jay Leno. But this isn't about that.

It's about Paris Hilton being a dumb twit. I love it. Actually, my palms are sweating because this is so awkward. I Effing love that DL is getting all Dan Rather or whatever on her.

Basically, what he did was bring her on to talk about her new perfume and then he just talks about her going to prison for about six minutes. I absolutely couldn't kep a straight face.

I Just Don't Know What to Do With Myself

I don't know what to do. This isn't a situation, or a conundrum, a vexing problem I've met with.

It's more of a philosophical issue. I just don't know what to do anymore. On the weekends, I get so hyped-up that I have a little extra time to do anything that I want...that I can't figure out what it is that I want to do. I know of some things I should be doing, but nothing which I really, truly want to do.

Well, let me correct that. There are plenty of things that I can think of that I want to do. I want to watch The Transformers Movie. I want to lie around and read. I want to just veg out and watch television. I want to work on the newest novel I'm writing. And on and on and on.

I don't know what it is that is so unsatisfying about being indecisive. If you have any suggestions on how I might rectify this strange bout of whatever it is I'm going through, please be my guest. Sorry if I've bummed you out.

Sep 28, 2007

What the F&$K is Halo 3? And Who is Master Chief?

With all of the hoopla surrounding the $170 million in the first day behemoth that is the Halo 3 release, let me be the first to remind you that there are other games out there in the world.

I know you don't believe me, but it's the truth. Just look around, man! This year has been an exciting one for gamers, so I shouldn't have to tell you that...IT ISN'T OVER!

That's right. There are still SO many games to look forward to, you probably shouldn't blow out your 'O-Ring' on you-know-what-game.

After all, Super Mario Galaxy is gonna rock. A new Contra! Street Fighter. Call of Duty 4. The list goes on and on. Nothing against Halo 3 - it deserves the props it gets - but there are plenty of things to be excited about.

So, if you're not into Halo or just don't get why it's so popular, don't be down, little ones. Just watch the video I've bestowed upon you.

Sep 27, 2007

Thursdays Are For Couch Potatoes

I found out today that I will not be taking on work as a cat burglar, locksmith, or part-time criminal. It's a long story. Suffice it to say that I really had to use the bathroom.

Just kidding. The file cabinet I needed to get into was locked, and I decided to look up how to pick locks to see if I could do it.

What kind of nerd looks up that nonsense on WikiHow? This guy right here, I guess. Luckily, LP is a lot smarter than I am, and she found the keys before I could ruin the lock or the tools I was using.

Back on topic. Sorry. Today is the day I've been waiting on for about, uh, three to four months. All of my precious Thursday television is back! Wait. No hell it is not. WTF? 30 Rock isn't premiering - is that spelled right? It looks weird - until October 4th. And at 8:30? What the hell is going on with comfort level?

Oh, well. I guess I should be glad that it's coming back at all. The Alec Baldwin daughter bitch-slap and mediocre ratings notwithstanding, I still love 30 Rock. It's like a mischievous relative at whom you just can't stay mad.

Speaking of Thursday night television, LP actually got asked if she had ever heard of The Office - I won't mention names - but I think that's funny. What's even funnier is that the person also said that the ratings will get better now that people like her know about it, because she and her 'sisters' will watch it.

Priceless. Wait. Sorry. I think that joke should go away too. Priceless. How lame. I apologize. I give myself two demerits.

Sep 26, 2007

A Nursery Crime

I read a lot - at least a book a week - but I try not to force my reading habits on you. However, in this case, I think I'll have to break my unwritten, unspoken rule.

I am currently reading a book about the murder investigation of the lascivious, alcoholic, womanizing, depressed, dead-broke Humpty Dumpty (no pun intended). PI Jack Spratt is an aging cop, fresh off a missed conviction of the three little pigs on a murder charge - apparently, boiling th Wolf was a bad idea when he came down the chimney. The Gingerbreadman is a serial killer. It's basically a noir version of Shrek, with all the characters you could shake a rhyme at.

I'm about a third of the way through the book, and even though I think that part of it is a little too formulaic, the characters are real enough and interesting, so I'll recommend it to anybody who's a fan of crime fiction.

Sep 25, 2007

Clawing to Stand Still

Time just goes by so fast. I want things to slow down a little bit, so I can enjoy life more...on the weekends. And, while weekends fly by, the actual work week seems to drag on for years. I wonder why that is. Hmm. It's almost three times as big - a six to one ration, if you work on Saturday - and that's a shame. So I propose that the weekend now start on Friday. Everybody with me? Okay, here's the plan: Just don't show up on Friday. I've already called and let all of the bosses know. This has got to be a change by the People.

Just kidding. But I'm twenty-five, man. If I can't stop and ponder life every once in awhile, I'll be forty before I know it.

And that's scary, forty being the new twenty or not.

Sep 23, 2007


Just kidding. I just felt that I had to rub Bama's node in the piddle a little bit, after what Wallace Gilberry had to say this past week.

I don't know anything about him. But after the game Saturday, I can tell you anything you want to know -- his birthday, his phone number, his home address. I'm serious, because I will know.

I've got to know where to send the flowers.

Flowers, indeed. The only thing that would have made last night's victory even better would be a Wallace Gilberry injury. Or if Matt Stafford could have made him look stupid. A crazy juke during one of his scrambles or something like that.

Wallace Gilberry is a moron. Terrell Owens Lite. And now he looks really stupid, so thank God for that. Like Pat Dye. And he's only given us a reason to have a chip on our shoulder for the rest of the season.

Sep 19, 2007

Back to You...Countdown to Cancellation

Well, it's official. The new Kelsey Grammar FOX sitcom, Back to You, about a Pittsburgh television station anchorperson, is really funny. It's really funny, actually, and it's a 'classic'-style sitcom.

And, since it's on FOX, I can't get attached. It might get canceled next week.

Sep 18, 2007

Sometimes Having a Pulse Just Isn't Enough

A Professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

~W.H. Auden

I know this shouldn't piss me off, because it doesn't surprise me, but sometimes I just can't help it. I have to be obtuse just to make a point.

How is it that people can actually not remember what year the September 11 attacks happened? I mean, come on, it only happened a few years ago. It's not like it's the 2000 election, of which a lot of people are unsure of the year.

I'm kidding. But seriously, TMZ - that bastion of journalistic integrity - camped outside of a trendy LA night club (those who watch The Hills know which one), asking people if they could name the date of the September 11 attacks.

One girl actually said, "It doesn't matter." Which, the more I think about it, is actually a pretty deep statement.

Isn't the fact that it did happen enough, people? Won't those images forever be burned into our minds? Leave history to the historians, man. What does it prove to stump a dozen or so braindead socialites with such a trival question?

What year did September 11 happen indeed. It's not important. Like Independence Day. When is that? If not for the kick-ass day of drinking and not going to work, would anybody even know when it is? Do they know it anyway? If they don't know it now and wouldn't have known it were it not a national holday, then would the date be important?

Answer: Yeah, to smart people. So who cares when Lincoln was shot or when the bomb was dropped, whatever that even means. If you can get by in life by knowing the names of all of Brangelina's children, then so be it. I mean, fuck, the President doesn't even have to know the difference between Austrians and Australians, and he's the President! Maybe the adoption sagas of celebrities will be great fodder for elections in a couple of decades.

Please kill me now. Paint the walls with my brains.

Sep 8, 2007

Cuts Like a Knife

I could be referring to Poison with the above quote, or it could be Bryan Adams, if you remember the song 'Cuts Like a Knife.'

Either way it hurts. I don't necessarily think that the first loss of the season always hurts the most, but you can't tell me right now that this one won't.

The Dawgs lost to South Carolina today - whose mascot is a chicken, if you didn't already know - and it hurts pretty bad, not because we lost, but because we didn't even deserve to win that game.

The Gamecocks played their asses off, and we didn't. Plain and simple. We didn't adjust at halftime; we had some bad play-calling; Steve Spurrier is USC's coach. I could go on and on.

I'm sitting in pajama shorts - ladies behave yourselves, I'm taken - and drinking a Woodstock IPA, just FYI. I didn't even bother to go to the game today. Scalpers make it very difficult to make it to a highly contested game (like the one today) without paying dearly for it.

And, believe me folks, I didn't have the money to play that game. No pun intended. 50$/ticket was the going rate. I figured that, since I'm paying well over a hundred bucks a month for cable, I might as well take advantage of it today.

But yeah, so we've lost to post-Florida Steve Spurrier for the first time. So what. Let's just not make it a yearly thing, and I think I'll be all right.

And there's still hope for us winning the East, if USC loses a few conference games. I'm hoping that the Gators will beat them and we will beat Florida. Then everything will be on a more even keel.

I know that most of you don't care very much about college football, but I do, so I had to have an outlet for my displeasure with the way the game went. The last ten minutes of the game, I was pretty much pacing around the apartment - in my undies - mumbling to myself like Dustin Hoffman from that movie he did with Jerry Maguire.

We need a turnover. Yeah, a pick or a fumble. Why haven't there been any turnovers tonight? A pick or a fumble or an incomplete pass. Any of that will do.

And so on.

Anyway, everybody enjoy the rest of your weekend, and we'll see ya very soon.

Sep 7, 2007

I Hate to Use an Olde Expressione, but...

...thank god it's Friday. I've had a not-so-good week, and thankfully it's coming to a close. Friday's are hardly bad, because only assholes are in bad moods on Friday, and I usually only get into bad moods when people around me are in bad moods.

Enough about moods.

But I did get some great news today. Not personal news, but news nonetheless. A bill is - let's cross our fingers - going to pass, resulting in "A Student Loan Overhaul".

I wouldn't go so far as to call it an 'overhaul.' It's an incremental step, at best, and I will accept an incremental step in the right direction any day over a step backward. Companies dealing in student loans have bent students over for long enough, so it's good to have a little equalizing in the matter.

The biggest steps are that the Pell Grant will be raised and the minimum payment for graduates can be no higher than 15% of their income on accrued loans. Which, I think, is a great step. Furthermore, the debt forgiveness provision has been strengthened for people who work in service industries.

And another thing about Student Loans: Go Dawgs. I hope we beat the Cocks tomorrow. The Gamecocks, of course. Tailgating will be fun. If you're not from the South, then I don't think you can be given any idea of what true tailgating is like. I say that not to be exclusionary or snide, but because it's pretty crazy down here. Almost all of Athens shuts down for the day, and nearly every law is conservatively enforced, especially where open containers are concerned.

Besides work and drinking - er, uh, 'tailgating' - there's writing. I'm still editing the first novel. A whole overhaul is going on with 'BloodMuse' - not to be confused with the Student Loan 'overhaul'. I'm over 200 pages in, and I hope that it's not going to be too terribly much longer. Another hundred pages and then this book is DONE! I hope to never see it again until it's in print.

If it ever goes to print. Oh well. If it doesn't, then I'll at least self-publish it, and then all of you can buy it and make me (not)RICH.

Other than talking about student loans and drinking - er, uh, 'tailgating' - and writing, I've been drinking some good beer. Not a lot of beer, but a higher quality beer. Leinenkugel, actually, makes a great Oktoberfest, and I've been addicted to that. I guess I shouldn't use that language with alcohol, but it's pretty tasty.

In fact, I've become a Homer for beers made by Leinenkugel. The Summer Shandy, if you haven't had it, is great. It's a summer ale made with Lemonade. It sounds gross, but it's a really good beer. And cheaper-ish, like 6.99 a six-pack. But you should hurry out to get them, though, because the Summer Shandy and the Oktoberfest are both limited release.

Other than talking about student loans and drinking - er, uh, 'tailgating' - and writing and drinking some good beer, I've been playing Wii. Although, hold on. What's weird is that I've been playing the games I bought for the Virtual Console (i.e. the Intendo Games). Now, even though it's a cool idea, I feel stupid playing Intendo Games on a console LP and I paid over 300 dollars for.

'Castlevania' rocks, though.

Have a good weekend, all. WATCH COLLEGE FOOTBALL!!!

Sep 3, 2007


I hate PETA so very much. Hate is a strong word. I wish I could think of something more harsh, but hate is all I have.

I've never been a big fan of PETA, but now I think I hate Michael Vick even more. You know why? Because Michael Vick has finally made PETA acceptable and has made the organization actually sympathetic.

I liked PETA more when they were an underground organization and broke into places to contaminate food for animals. Or when they adopted animals and then killed them. Oh wait, they still do that.

Bunch of hypocrites. They are the 'anointed' ones, and no matter if you know more than they do, they still pretend that they have dominion over 'their' topic. Like animals. And they don't. Many of those people are so goddamned crazy that they have no idea what they're talking about.

Ingrid Newkirk once compared animal farms to Nazi death camps and actually had the gall to pen a letter to Timothy McVeigh, asking him to 'die a vegan.'

Ingrid Newkirk wants everyone to look beyond the organization's absurd tactics to see what lies beneath it all. Impossible. Granted, I am a dog-owner and I love my pets. But that's it. They're pets. If they ever harmed a human being without provocation, especially a family member or friend, I would be the first to put them down.

Because I love them. And I wouldn't want to remember them as violent.

PETA would have you believe that putting animals down is wrong. Yet the organization has put down over 10000 animals over the last several years. Of course the article I'm using has a fair share of propaganda to it, and I do believe that what Michael Vick did was abhorrent, but I also think that PETA can take no moral high ground here.

PETAns believe that interfering with animals is wrong. HOw much more can you interfere with an animal than to kill it?

"PETA has shamelessly used the horrific Michael Vick case to pad their group’s coffers, even though their track record of slaughtering thousands of helpless, adoptable animals is far more damning,” said CCF Director of Research David Martosko. “Americans need to be aware of how PETA treats animals in their care and reject the group’s overt hypocrisy.”

Documents obtained by the Center for Consumer Freedom from the Virginia State Veterinarian show that between 1998 and 2005 PETA killed more than 14,400 dogs, cats, and other animals.

In addition to the thousands of animals that were killed at their headquarters, two PETA employees in North Carolina admitted to killing dozens of dogs and cats in a roving “death van” and tossing their bodies into a trash dumpster."

Happy Labor Day!

Aug 26, 2007

Landing for the Flight of the Conchords

HBO does Sunday night television better than anybody - probably better than all of the 'major' networks put together - yet some shows seem to fall through the cracks.

Flight of the Conchords is one of those shows.

If you haven't been watching Flight of the Conchords on HBO, then you've been completely missing out on a great comedy. Well, I have to admit that it's not for everyone, but if you're a fan of Tenacious D, then you might want to give it a try. It's a 'Life and Times of Rock-n-Rollers' spoof, starring a couple of pseudo-folk-comedy Kiwis in the title roles.

The season finale is next week, so you'd have to catch it pretty fast. Thankfully, a second season has been picked up. I was afraid that the show would befall the same fate as a couple of underrated - and underwatched, obviously - TV shows from HBO's past.

'I don't rap about bitches and hoes; I rap about witches and trolls' is a line from the song they did about the Lord of the Rings. It's not as conceptual as Tenacious D, yet it's not very commercial either.

You may recognize bass player Jermaine from some Outback commercials - even though the pair is from New Zealand, not Australia - but other than that they're fairly green. Jermaine is the 'not as good, mom' guy in the Outback commercials. Well, anyway, it's a cool show. It's set in New York, and people from New York are cool, right?

I was so impressed that I looked up the tab for the songs they do on the show. 'Albi the Racist Dragon' is a personal favorite of mine.

Check out the tab by clicking here.

Sunday Morning Coming Down

The Road to Hell is Paved With Good Intentions. Samuel Johnson sort of said that way back in the day, and it's one of my favorite quotes. A) Because my intention was to blog every day and B) because it pretty much kicks ass.

A lot has been going on in my life lately, but I have missed you guys quite a bit. It's good to get on here and vent about my life. And, right now, I can't say that my life completely sucks. It's actually going all right.

Maybe I'm just growing up a little bit, but the little things that used to drive me crazy really don't anymore. I can shrug it off for the most part, it being all of THE LITTLE THINGS, that great entity which has caused so many strokes and heart attacks.

Maybe, and here's just one of my crazy tangents, but just maybe we should study THE LITTLE THINGS and their effect on health. Because I'm almost convinced that it's not necessarily the big things that stress us out, but perhaps the LITTLE THINGS.

Okay, so I've made my point with ALL CAPS, so I'll move on. No, seriously, think about it in terms of a computer analogy. Most people allow a bunch of small files to slowly collect on their computer's hard drive, until the damned thing can't do anything but turn on and shut down. The computer runs all right for awhile, but eventually it goes kersplat.

Computer peeps may not agree with me, but it serves my point, so I'll continue. People spend too much time worrying about getting the oil changed, changing the address for the credit cards when they move, throwing out that container in the fridge that has become so overgrown with mold that you could barely remember what it was in the first place.

Without sounding - or trying to sound - too much like a motivational speaker (I hate those people - sorry if you are one), I'd like to suggest that you 'clear out your hard drive'. Write down every single thing that you can think of which needs to be done. And then do them.

All right. Now that that's out of my system, we can move on. Sorry. I'll be back to blog later on today (hopefully)!

Aug 22, 2007

Oxygen Kills

Hey everybody. The pickins on my blogs have been pretty slim lately, so I really should give you something to savor. That I don't really have anything going on is the problem. Nothing really crazy, anyway. I'm still editing the first book and beginning to outline the fourth book. Did I mention that it's going to be a detective novel set in a zombie-ravaged apocalypse? Anyway, who even knows IF I'll get to start it at the rate that I'm editing the first book.

Here's a little taste of the first book, just to let you know that I'm actually writing something and not just lying to your faces:

Today was a Stan Getner day. There were exceptions – a blonde girl in pink pajamas raving about the newest Jack Johnson record, jock broadcast majors taking bets on the first football game, stoners discussing how to roll a really tight joint, a sorority vixen complaining about the difficulty of studying when all she did was party – but for the most part, people discussed Stan Getner. It wasn’t everyday that the star baseball player – in his senior season, no less – got stabbed in a bar parking lot. Peterson University was a mid-sized school, but it was small enough that when something horrific happened, it lingered for several months, sometimes years.

And the student body in the Howard Livingston III dormitory was enthralled with the Stan Getner fiasco. Even though it hadn’t been formally reported in either of the local papers – the city or the student one – the news of Stan Getner’s near death experience was already the stuff of legend.

LP and I played tag inside last night, but it was too easy so had to stop. We went to Wal-Mart right after, and this was at 10 o'clock. Wal-Mart is a creepy place that late, and I'm glad I made it out alive. You do not want any part of that.

Other than that, I've only been working and nothing really else. I hope to have something cool to talk about soon, but I feel so bad for not blogging that I have to post SOMETHING.

Anyway, I've loved the comments. Thanks, everybody. I'll post something awesome later, I promise.

Aug 14, 2007

Snozberries Taste Like Jury Trial

I am currently sitting on the floor of the new place, drinking a Leinenkugel, catching up on last night's episode of Big Love.

LP and I are in the new place, and it's wonderful. Once we finally get to unpack the camera, I'll try to put some new pics online. The only think I don't like about our apartment is the wallpaper in the kitchen; it's hideous. I'm sort of afraid to take a picture of it, because I think it might ruin the camera. The large bulbous things on the wall look like snozberries or something.

Other than that, everything is going well. I'm still going to the gym, though because of the move and other obligations, I've not been going as often. Other obligations include: a new job and JURY DUTY.

No, I'm not obligated to sit around and watch a shitty Pauly Shore movie. Wait, no, I'm sorry. That's too simple a joke. Any Pauly Shore joke is too easy, so I apologize. Furthermore, I should not refer to a 'shitty' Pauly Shore movie. It's an oxymoron.

Honestly, though, I've got jury duty and I actually got picked to be on the jury and everything, so that's exciting. I can't talk about the details right now, obviously, but suffice it to say that Michael Vick is a lot taller in person.

Just kidding.

I'm back, is what I'm trying to say, and I hope I never go away.

Aug 9, 2007

The Consequences of Being Unprepared

Finally, I have moved into my new place. I still have no cable or internet, but at least I am no longer homeless. There's nothing I would like more than to sit around and blog for about three days straight to catch up and make all of you happy.

However, the cable company has been inundated with people moving out/moving in and can't make it to our place until Sunday morning, between 8-10 am. Then I can check in with you guys. I'm excited. But it's true that LP and I have no cable. We've been watching all of the seasons of Friends for the last few days.

I missed Barry Bond's 756 home run. Damnit. I missed Big Love on Monday. I just generally haven't been in on the world. It's weird. I could go into some sort of meta-existential blog about how strange it is to live in the world and not the technological world, but I have no time. I'm on borrowed time here. I'll get back with you all on Sunday. Love ya.

Jul 11, 2007

[No Subject] - Advertising Is Way Out of Hand

Right now, my 70+ lb. German Shepherd is getting her ass kicked by a ten pound cat. What is the world coming to? Seriously, Ona, show us your heritage. It's proud!

(By the way, she's the big white one in the tub)

Anyway, back to subjects with substance. You know, I get so sick and tired of advertising. Seriously. It's everywhere, man. I feel bombarded by it on a daily basis, and there's not a spot in the world that won't be sponsored someday in the future.

Isn't that a scary thought?

This is the Kotex Field of Cowshit in Butte, Montana. Or the Budweiser Electric Chair in EverypartofTexasever, Texas.

And so on and so forth. I wish I could satirize it, but alas I'm not a satirist...yet.

I am angry, however, and that makes for a good read, doesn't it? Advertising sucks. Especially when I'm trying to watch a movie and everything is pushed so nonchalantly, as if to say, "Oh we didn't mean to have this certain goddamn soda can in the middle of the frame."

If you don't think so, remember the movie Spider-Man. When he's in his room and trying to figure out how to be a web-slinger. He tries to pull what from the counter? A Dr. Pepper can.

If you don't believe it's the truth, check out the tie-ins for the movie. Hmmm. Dr. Pep-per. Interesting.

I know I know. It's not that important. But it is. Just think: there are guys out there literally trying to figure out ways to put advertising in every single spot on the earth. And I'm not even joking. The other day at the mall, there was advertising on the f**king elevator. I wish it were just a sci-fi story, but it's the truth.

And it sucks.

The reason I'm spewing venom - not Venom (ha!) - about this is the recent movie, Transformers. Let me qualify what I'm saying by admitting that I did like the movie. A lot. So that's not the problem.

Actually...there is no problem. So what if there was a lot of GM advertisement in the movie? Huh? Wasn't the whole cartoon series one thirty-minute-long goddamned commercial? Isn't that why they killed off Optimus Prime in the original cartoon movie and made me so cynical today? It's a vicious cycle. They killed off Prime to make up new action figures to take his place.

But they can't. They can't replace Optimus Prime. And I spent so much of my childhood wondering why the Goodest of Good Guys - hey, I was six - could get taken away from me in the first ten minutes of the movie, only to never be brought back.

Advertising. Adver-f**king-tising is to blame. It's why I'm the neurotic prick that I am today. Just remember that when you get tired of it too. And it will happen. Oh yes. It will happen.

Jul 8, 2007

I Know You Missed Me

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to the Blog, but I just haven't had the TIME!!!! The world is speeding up, and I've got to run just to keep up. The house is a mess, and for once it's not because I'm just too lazy to clean it. I'm gearing up to move, and books and DVDs and boxes of this and that are strewn about, and it's driving me crazy. I don't move for another few weeks, but I can't help but start the process. Every time before now, I've been caught at the last minute trying to move stuff, and it becomes a bungled mess.

The above picture is me. Gross, huh? No, that's not one of my better pics, but it's one of the newer ones. It was taken, not during a cooking competition, but during one of my last bits of beer-making. The brew is done, and it is NOT fantastic! No, it's pretty good, but I think I may have done something slightly wrong, because it has no aftertaste whatsoever. Which is good, I guess, if you don't like beer. Isn't the aftertaste what most people despise?

Also, I guess I should follow-up on the Wii-Talk. Yes, I did get the Wii. I had a lost weekend. I did nothing but play video games, and it was AWESOME! We called it Party Wii-kend - get it - and we drank lots of beer, ate lots of pizza, and played many many hours of Wii. I've already used up the batteries in one of the controllers.

One of the best things about the Wii is that you can download old NES and SNES games and play them. It's great. I no longer have to drudge out my old NES when I want to play Castlevania; I can just play it on my Wii! The only problem is that there are only a few REALLY GREAT games right now. Most of them are ehhh, just all right games. Which is okay. But I'm waiting for Super Mario Bros. 3 to be released. Boy, that brings back memories.

Check out the slideshow of our last beer-making expo. It is below, and it is glorious.

Jun 26, 2007

Nintendo Wii - My White Whale

Tonight, I'm huntin' me a Wii. There are hundreds - maybe thousands - of other hunters out there, but I've got my wallet and my F5 button ready.

Holy shit! My bid has just been maxed out. I feel like another cl...Damnit, I didn't even get a chance to finish this sentence before someone outbid me and the auction ended. Goddamnit.

This is a terribly cutthroat business, getting a Wii. I thought there would be enough game for all of us, but I must have been mistaken.

Granted, Nintendo hasn't been up on manufacturing. Hell, maybe they were down on themselves as well on this one. Like, "Well, we're not charging a million bucks for a video game system, so nobody loves us." Mmmmmm.

So I guess I'll just have to bid on another...wait. Wait just a second. I just checked my eBay account, and it said that I had to pay for an item.

Oh, crap! I accidentally won a Nintendo Wii! But wait, that doesn't make any sense. It said that I got outbid on it. It said that I lost. There was a distinct screen in which I was beaten.

*shrugs* Oh well. You know what? I'll take it! Any day of the week, I'll take it. I paid about twenty bucks more than I was willing to pay on it, but I'll definitely accept it. I know I've been trying to get my finances back in order, but I've got the moolah for a Wii. Totally worth it. Totally worth it. Be happy for me guys. I'll be Wii Sportin' it in a few days!

Jun 21, 2007

An Update on Life

Working 60-hour weeks doesn't lend itself to blogging, so I haven't been in the blogosphere a lot lately. I can only shrug. It's the way the cookie crook crumbles sometimes.

But I have been participatin in plenty of things lately. First of all, tonight I taste the beer that I made a little under a month ago. It still feels premature, but I'm hoping that it's carbonated enough for me to enjoy (or at least not be embarrassed in front of the friends who helped me make it).

Invariably, the beer in the picture is not my beer. It is only there for emphasis. I wish the beer I made could look like that. It would be a miracle.

So, beyond brewing and working, I'm reading Richard Dawkins's great book, The God Delusion. Relax. I'm not joining the Church of Satan or anything. Religion interests me, and I can't help but be enamored by someone who is so arrogantly anti-religion. It's a natural progression. I went to an extreme place growing up - think people speaking in tongues and going to church four days a week - and it soured on me.

However, I did cringe when he said:

The only difference between The Bible in the Da Vinci Code is that The Bible is ancient fiction and the Da Vinci Code is modern fiction.

Ouch. Right?

In addition, I've been going to the gym pretty much every day, and I like the results. I like them so much that I think I might try to run a the Fall.

Yeah, I don't have the endurance or the willpower to try to run a full marathon - like a real runner would - but I can try to be half of what I'm supposed to be. I guess.

And if you've ever experienced a summer in Georgia, you'd know why they don't have those things down here then. It would result in murder and lawsuits and all sorts of clandesting activity. The heat down here is just mean!

But I do enjoy jogging - I have my 'outfit' on right now - and today I'm going to try to get to 6 miles. I figure that if I can build my endurance until about October, I should be in good shape for a half-marathon. Or a pretend marathon. Whichever one comes along first. Cheers.

Jun 13, 2007

3rd Novel - Done as Dillinger

Well, I've finally done it. The third book is officially in the bag, and I've got to say that I'm really proud of it. It's much better than the second book's first draft - so far as I can tell - and I can't wait to take a look at it in several weeks, once it's had a chance to mellow out.

Tentatively titled The Marquis Man, the book is about a serial killer who torments the city of Atlanta by murdering women in extreme ways and who doesn't count on the fact that a criminal gunman becomes enamored with his latest soon-to-be victim.

It's a cat-and-mouse story, with the two of them playing off each other very well for being such similar people in certain ways. I like it. The second draft, hopefully, will be better.

But I'm one step closer to the dream. And I love it! Thanks for all of your support so far, guys. I really, really, truly appreciate it. Don't give up on me. Now that I'm done, I have more time to read your blogs!

As always, you can read my short fiction by clicking on the banner below to Writers Cafe. I encourage it, but hey, I'm not being pushy.

Jun 10, 2007

The Sopranos

Okay, so I hate to make a second blog about the Sopranos in a row - and being as I haven't blogged since last Sunday, it's awful - but I have to.

There's no doubt that the final episode will be good and great (and possibly extremely disappointing, if Tony dies) and anything short of my own death could not keep me from watching the show. I don't think I was even this pumped up about the Seinfeld or Andy Barker, PI series finales.

Just kidding.

'The Sopranos' changed everything for me. I'll never be able to watch t.v. the same way again. And I could go into what has happened in the series - it would take a long f*cking time - but I'm not going to.

I found a video to do it for me! This is a seven minute video explaining the series, up to the beginning of the final season. It's an absolutely fantastic video, well-done and everything. I hope you enjoy it.

It took me watching this video to realize just how much crap goes on in the show. There are so many open ends that may never get resolved. Hell, won't ever get resolved.

And I love that. It's how life goes. Not everything gets resolved in life, especially not in a way that pays off something that happened earlier. Although I kind of wish it would. Would make you think about what you're doing, wouldn't it?

But anyway, tonight's the final episode. Ever. The finality of it sort of makes me sad, the same way that the thought of dying sort of makes me sad. Sort of. Well, you just have to remember: I've invested several years of my life with these 'people'.

As you can see, I don't take my television lightly. I don't want the Sopranos to end. There's so much more that could happen. Hmmm. Maybe not, now that I think of it. Bobby's dead. Sylvio's dead (or dying).

It only begs the question of what is going to happen tonight? The only logical solution, it seems is that Tony should die. Why? Why is it that he should die? It would not necessarily be a full-circle for the man. He's always come out on top, no matter the situation.

Why does it have to be that he dies? Personally, I have a feeling that Pauly will try to kill Tony, because I think he's the turncoat for New York. He's a smug little piece of s**t, and it just seems like something he would do.

What's so great about the show is that it's open-ended. There are so many ways the show could end. It's not leading you in any one direction. God, it's so Good!

'The Sopranos' is more than just a television ending. It's a cultural event. Jeez, man, I'm a nerd!

Jun 3, 2007

The Sopranos - One Note Left to Play

Bobby's dead.

Plain and simple. I haven't even had any time to reflect upon it. I don't know what to think. And with just one episode left, it's hard to know what to think.

The show doesn't uplift it's characters. Dying in a train shop. There's not a more uneventful way to die. That's not dramatized. It was just his death and boom, that was it.

Christopher's dead. Syl's in the hospital. Somehow, Pauly's still alive. Who would have thought that?

Anyway, I'm still in shock.

Jun 2, 2007

'Knocked Up' is a Great Horror Movie

Anyone who's ever had sex knows that the potential of getting someone pregnant is horrifying. Which is why 'Knocked Up' works in a gallows humor sort of way.

The plot is simple: a guy and a girl meet at a club and get pregnant after having sex...once. Hilarity ensues.

Larry Munson, voice of the Georgia Bulldawgs, who also has his own movie club here in Athens, wonders how 'the people in Hollywood ever came up with such a movie. Twenty years ago, even, they couldn't have done this.' Funny.

Only, 'Knocked Up' isn't some cutesy, what-do-we-do-with-an-unexpected-pregnancy sort of movie. It is and it isn't. The movie has a certain amount of verisimilitude and gut-wrenchingly awkward moments. The laughs are genuine and the angsty parts aren't contrived. That's very hard to find in movies today.

Especially the arguments. They get f*cking brutal. Judd Apatow really has a hold on 'adult' sexual comedies. WHile most movies pander to the lowest common denominator for comic effect, Apatow uses those low-brow moments to reinforce the stronger parts of the movie. He's not pandering, and he chose a great leading man for the movie in Seth Rogen.

The funniest movie this year so far. By far, I'd say. And I'm debating on thinking it funnier than '40 Year Old Virgin'. That, my friends, is a tall order.

May 27, 2007

A Quick Rundown of the World

Paris is going to jail, and some people seem to think that it's because people dislike her. Rob Sheffield, of Rolling Stone, writes that "Sending Paris Hilton to jail for being the most loathed celeprosy lesion in the history of the species seems like a happening idea at first [. . .] But it sets a dangerous precedent to jail celebs just because someone hates them."

What? Am I wrong, or did Paris drive without her license? Hmmm. If she went to jail for people hating her, wouldn't she already be there? She's already done enough things to warrant it, don't you think?

This week on Telebisshon, watch FOX's On the Lot, where wannabe filmmakers argue with each other for an hour and hope to become megastars (which they probably won't). 5/29 @ 9 PM. Or, on the History Channel, you can watch a show called STAR WARS: The Legacy. 'Nuff Said. 5/28 @ 9 PM.

There's a new minstrel show in town. I'd heard of Shirley Q. Liquor before - a gay white man in blackface, no less - but I thought it was just some underground nonsense. It's come to the attention of the nation, now, and a huge debate has sparked over it. How is this not considered a modern minstrel show? Being a gay dude doesn't excuse him from getting onstage and singing "The 12 Days of Kwanzaa".

Sample Lyric:

On the eleventh day of Kwanzaa...
I got out on parole. I rolled a big joint, went down
to church and talked all out of my head. Got happy and
shouted, passed out and hollered. They called 911 and
the Lord set me free! Gave my testimony, stepped on
home, didn't even remember where I stayed, I woke up
real hungry and confused. LORD

I've also included a performance of the song here, as well. Now, I'll get into the debate over its impact and potential racism/not racism (Chuck Knipp, the character's creator, swears that it is not).

Captain Jack Sparrow and his gang are going crazy at the box-office, taking in $57 million domestically and another $85.5 million overseas in its first day! It will probably hit the 140 million mark, but that's not all.

Think of it, people: It's Memorial Day Weekend. It might even hit 150 or so, if ticket sales on Monday are comparable to this weekend's numbers. A few of the cast members have voiced an unwillingness to push the franchise forward, but, then again, with such a great opening box-office draw, how would they be able to turn it down? The studio would be able to pay them millions and millions more for reprising their roles, even if for just one more movie.

And, just to let everyone know, the Democrats are wimps. They got elected to help make the mess in Iraq better, and so far they haven't had the collateral to do anything at all. There's an old adage that goes, "To get out of a hole, first you've got to stop digging." With the way the Dems are running things, I don't know that it will be possible until 2008, if not later.

Keith Olberman said, in a special comment on his show "Countdown":

Few men or women elected in our history—whether executive or legislative, state or national—have been sent into office with a mandate more obvious, nor instructions more clear:

Get us out of Iraq.

Yet after six months of preparation and execution—half a year gathering the strands of public support; translating into action, the collective will of the nearly 70 percent of Americans who reject this War of Lies, the Democrats have managed only this:

The Democratic leadership has surrendered to a president—if not the worst president, then easily the most selfish, in our history—who happily blackmails his own people, and uses his own military personnel as hostages to his asinine demand, that the Democrats “give the troops their money”;

He goes on to say more, but alas, this is a blog and not an encyclopedia, so I must go now. Thanks for checking in.

May 21, 2007

Pro-Life Dog-Fighting Rings

Now, I must admit that I'm currying favor with the picture to the right of this post. It would be disingenuous for me not to admit that. Only Michael Moore would not.

Okay, so this story is going to be very, very strange, so try to keep up. And, for reference's sake, Michael Vick, quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, might have been involved in a vicious dog-fighting ring. Okay. Now.

The radio hosts on ESPN Radio - all of them - talked about the issue today in great detail, calling anyone involved in dog-fighting despicable and mentioning that it's a felony in most states.

Well, a fellow employee of mine much higher up on the food chain walked by as the topic was being discussed and - I suppose because we're on different ends of the political spectrum - asked me, "Now why is there a law against dog-fighting?"

Do no mistake me: the man in question is extremely intelligent and was only being semi-obtuse here, so don't scoff yet. I told him I thought it was obvious. He then explained that he agreed that it was horrendous, but then he countered that he didn't think the federal government should get involved if two people wanted to fight their dogs.

I told him that I would have to think about a justification for why I thought it was a law. It seemed a pretty cool challenge, and I came up with the example of incest. I thought that certainly he would agree that, though one should be pretty much allowed to do what he wants as long as it did not harm another being, certain legislation is led by social mores and is not necessarily the fault of the federal government.

Now, when I mentioned that position to him later, telling him that you couldn't marry, say, your mother if you wanted to, he said: "But you should be able to."

Now, I have to admit that this caught me off-guard. It shouldn't have, but it did. It was a strictly philosophical and tactical maneuver. He then likened what I'd said earlier to the abortion argument, which I also should have seen coming. He told me that, if I defended abortion, which I do, that I was putting a dog's life above a human being's.

When I explained that I didn't and that I didn't think that in the first trimester a bundle of cells was a human being, much as an acorn is not an acorn tree, he persisted in telling me that if a woman can kill a bundle of cells bound to become a human, then a man should be able to kill a dog.

Well, perhaps it was a segue into talking about legislation, because he then said that he didn't agree with abortion but that a woman should have the right to do it. Because he's an absolutist in liberties, I presume. His main point was that basically nothing doing with a person's choices should or could be legislated.

Now, I'm aware that it was an overarching challenge on the belief in abortion - which ranks low on my scale of necessities in politics - but I could tell he thought he'd won. Truth be told, I don't really care. Somone so staunchly anti-government wouldn't accept less as an answer. Because there's no way to prove why there should be federal regulation. There just really is not a decent argument to say, "Well, yeah, why? Why should this be a law or this be a law? Why should it be legislated?" It's frustrating.

See how this really had nothing to do with dog-fighting whatsoever? I give up.