George Carlin

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

And, 'The Lord Will Not Be Mocked'.

Street Fighter IV...No, No, No, JUST IV. Not 'Turbo' or 'Alpha' or 'Super'....Yet.

The release of the fourth installment of the Street Fighter series is well nigh upon us, and the video below depicts four-and-a-half spine-shattering minutes of actual, honest-to-goodness gameplay.

SFIV looks like a reimagining of SFII (and all of its revisions) with a new engine and some new characters. The combo system appears to be kick-ass and the animation is absolutely stunning, even if it's a 'sort of' 2-D environment.

From what I'm able to decipher, the character list goes as follows:

Ryu
Dhalsim
Blanka
Chun Li
E. Honda
Zangief
Guile
Ken
M. Bison
Sagat
Vega
Balrog
Some chick on a cell phone
A fat guy
A guy with...a frying pan?

I Love This Video

I know this video is ANCIENT by today's standards and we're much more compassionate and sophisticated and all that garbage, but it gets me every time! Thank you so much, little kid. You always put me in a better mood.

New Metallica Single - 'Rubinized'

My first impressions:

You can definitely tell the track has some Rubin influence. The opening solo-ish licks from Hammett sound Justice-y (and definitely welcome!). The melody is nice - the clean guitar sound is pretty awesome. James's voice sounds extremely ethereal in the verses.

The chorus has a definite 'Fade to Black' sort of stop-start guitar part. Dun-da-de-da-dlum sort of thing. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying not to compare it to past Metallica tracks but it's hard not to. This track, entitled 'The Day That Never Comes', sounds too much like old Metallica and yet not very much like it. It's new and old and hard to compare to the rest of the Metallica collection.

I've made peace with the fact that Metallica has mellowed out. Even as angry as this song sounds, it still has a somewhat 'brighter' sound than earlier stuff. And I'm okay with that. As long as the songs are pretty good, they don't have to be face melters. Wow. I'm just hearing the final solo section, and it gets pretty fast. Kirk Hammett's playing is pretty solid here - thanks for bringing back the solos, sir! - and the rhythm playing, too, is as stellar as ever.

The whole structure of the song - and I'll use another allusion to the band's past - is reminiscent of 'One', from 'Justice'. No, it's not as epic, but it's reaching for something that I don't think the band has gone for in quite a while.

The lyrics, though, I have to admit, I'm not so crazy about. That's what I would have to say is the weakest element of the entire song. I'm sure they're not holdovers from St. Anger, but it's kind of what they sound like.

But other than that, I'm pretty impressed. The new album 'drops' in a month, and I personally can't wait to get it.

OK - What's the point?

I've got to say that I don't understand the whole honor system on the internet, where, when you're directed to material which may be offensive - if you're easily offended should you even be on the internet - you are faced with a warning screen and then forced to give an age (almost always fake) just to get to the desired material.

This is fucking pointless. Like, I'm not that into observational posts, but this whole thing has to end. I guess it's a wink-wink-nudge-nudge between the internet and the government and child-advocacy groups. Like, Okay, we won't mess with you as long as you make sure the people on the internet give lip service to the responsibility of being an adult.

I guess it's better than not having vomit- or tourette's- inducing material on the series of tubes, but when can we safely say that, if a child is smart enough to use the internet, he's going to be able to safely subvert these ridiculously tame warnings for the sake of a good time.

I mean, really, it would be much more entertaining if there were a warning that said: Look, we know you're probably about to go in this decrepit den of iniquity and partake in something that would make your grandmother's toes curl up with repulsion. But if you do and we find out, it's your ass BIG time, Muhammed (by virtue of the fact that it is the most popular name in the world [except in Britain, where Jack trumps it slightly]).

See. Already more palatable.

Deadites, Unite!

What do you do when you're the star of a deliciously campy horror series with a cult following and a director whose latest interests involve a certain alliterative arachnid?

Well, hell, that's an easy one. You make a tongue-in-cheek send up to it! In fact, that's what's happened with 'My Name is Bruce', a sort-of Evil Dead flick starring Bruce Campbell as Bruce Campbell. Or, rather, Bizarro Bruce, in which he is not himself at all, but rather a sleazy version of himself, a la his character in Burn Notice. Or Army of Darkness, if you prefer.

The release date is set for October 2008 and DVD release in Jan of 09. Awesome. Check out the trailer below. It looks awesome.

'Sex Drive' Red Band Trailer

Here's the red-band trailer for the teen sex comedy, 'Sex Drive', starring James Marsden as the douche big brother and that guy from Greek.



The trailer actually looks pretty good, like 'License to Drive' if Judd Apatow were to do it (and somehow, he probably has).

Tropic Thunder

I was actually really surprised with how good 'Tropic Thunder' turned out to be. I thought it'd be a brainless spoof of over-the-top Vietnam war epics and that it would be at least a decade-and-a-half too late (See Hot Shots).

But it turned out to be really funny, extremely gory, and full of the kind of explosions that would make Michael Bay's dick hard. Spot on satire. It was great. Tom Cruise's cameo was a little forced, I thought, though, and I'm not sure it was very funny, either. Not many people in the theater laughed at his turn as a studio exec caricature until the very end. But that's okay. It was good to see him not being a complete alien weirdo.

Additionally, the movie was pretty offensive/insensitive to (how do I say it tactfully) mentally-challenged people. I understand the satire involved and knew what they were trying to do, but apparently a lot of people didn't (See article) or didn't think it was done with any sort of grace.

And I think they're right, to a certain extent. And I think I'm right to a certain extent. You can't please everybody and the majority of this film was pretty racy, so they can be forgiven for missing the mark on that particular aspect. Anyone, though, who thought perhaps this movie would uplift discourse could not possibly have seen Zoolander. It's a 'guy' movie in every respect (and I'm being a little stereotypical here, too). There are only perhaps two or three women in the entire film (including the Christine Taylor cameo), so it is drenched in so much ribald testosterone (shouldn't it be pronounced tes-tos-ter-won?) that a few stray bullets were probably going to hit somewhere sensitive.

My Grade: Eight Pretentious Actors (out of ten)

Dynastic Policies

Taking a cue from joaj, I've decided to regale you with tales from my NCAA 09 Dynasty.

UGA WON A NATIONAL TITLE!

14-0

UGA, led by the ever impressive coach, USERTBLAKE, trounced Auburn in the SEC Title Game in Atlanta and then soundly beat Texas 41-10 to score their first national title since 1980. Junior quarterback, QB #7, became the school's leading passer EVER, as well as racking up the most TD passes in a season, and HB #24 finished third in the Heisman voting. Unfortunately for the Dawgs, QB #7 decided to enter the NFL draft a year early (and change his last name).

After the title game, USERTBLAKE signed a 5-year extension, turning down offers from Notre Dame and Tennesse (pfft!) to stay in Athens.

Fan Reactions: "I love this game!" "I love this game!" "You suck!" "I love this game!" "Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof!"

Metallica - New Song/Video Leaked

I don't know how many people care anymore, but a song from the new Metallica album got leaked a few days ago via YouTube. The quality is poor, but there are tons of versions of the vid on YouTube. Enjoy. Or don't, depending if you like Metallica or not. The song is called Cyanide.

Stephen King's N.

Through Entertainment Weekly, I just found out that a web series based on a short story of Stephen King's is on the internet(s). It's about a shrink who becomes obsessed with the life of one of his patients. The web site is www.nishere.com. Unfortunately, I caught this boat a little late, so only episodes 7-10 are on the web site (there will be 25). Each is about two minutes, and you can download sets of five on iTunes through August 25.

Additionally, the short story "N.", which the series is based upon, will be included in the short story collection Just After Sunset, to be released in November.

Resident Evil 5

Now, everybody who knows me knows I love my zombies. What's not to love? Stumbling, maggot infested corpses trying to take over the world - for no reason at all. One of the best zombie universes out there is found in the Resident Evil games. It successfully combines horror, zombie folklore, and science fiction into a single, monolithic story. For what it's worth, it's almost Tolkienian in its depth. For about a decade there, in the late 90s/early 00s, I couldn't turn on my Playstation or PS2 without it having some incarnation of RE stuck in there. RE 3: Nemesis is probably the game I have played the most in lifetime (other than DOOM, of course).

That being said, after a while, the story got sort of, um, stale (Codename: Veronica X, anyone)? So, they amped it up in Resident Evil 4, set in Europe and containing possessed people instead of the walking dead. Being a necrophiliac, I was a little disappointed...until I played it.

Same thing with 5. HOWEVER, there is a controversy brewing since the game takes place in Africa. To some people, it's sort of demeaning and, well, racist to depict a white dude with a gun mowing down black people. Never mind that they're possessed demons of the apocalypse. Just think if it were set in the South in the 1840s? Then how would it look? Actually, you reverse it and have the plantation owners become the zombies and have the slaves be the heroes with guns, and you've got a pretty good fucking idea! Lawyered. That I'll have to do before anybody steals it.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, Resident Evil 5 has got people playing the race card, so it must be one ill-ass, violent video game.

Too bad I don't have a next-gen system to play it on.

The Benefits of Subscription 'Downloading'

Last week for my B-Day - yes, dinosaurs have learned how to type blogs, apparently - I got an iTunes gift card - thanks, LP. For 1 Dollar/Song, you don't get much bang for your buck. But I stretched it, downloading some NIN, Rush, Leonard Cohen, and Jane's Addiction ('Superhero', yeah!)

But, today I feel empty. :( Sadly, I want MORE. I always want more. It's my borderline addictive personality, I suppose, but looking at iTunes last night made me realize how much I've missed out on certain new musical acts (Muse, I promise I'll play catch-up). Even some musical movements have alluded me (Prog Rock, hello?).

So, that being said, I've officially begun the process of whoring myself out to the musical download subscription crowd. Research is a bitch, because I'm not one hundred percent what some of the warnings are with the subscription service. So far I've looked at Napster - who thought they would be around nearly a decade later? - and Rhapsody for my choice of cheapskate music-guy home.

Which one is better, you ask?

In a word, probably Rhapsody. Even though iTunes has reached the 5 billion downloads mark - godamn! - Rhapsody is intending on bringing down that beast, like a pigmy tribe (is that un-PC? oh well).

Rhapsody announced on July 2 (yes, dinos can Google News, too!) that their downloads would be compatible with the Apple iPod (a must for me). That's what Napster, unfortunately, lacks. So, all in all, I'll probably be going with Rhapsody. The other variable is burnability. I don't know that Rhapsody is - I haven't done THAT much research - but I'm hoping that it is.

Happy July; here comes August.

UPDATE: Unfortunately, I just found out that, to be accessible to an iPod, you must buy the MP3 songs on Rhapsody for .99 a pop, JUST LIKE ItUNES. What a gyp! (Sorry, gypsies, for that slanderous remark).

You CAN upload songs to an MP3 player on the 14.99 Rhapsody-to-go service, but it has to be PC and it won't work with an iPod. Which sucks, if you can't part with the Apple of your eye. And I can't. I love my iPod.

EVEN MORE OF AN UPDATE: Okay, so here's the thing. You CAN burn CDs, but you have to BUY the music to be able to do that. Does it make any sense? I'll go into more depth. You PAY for the subscription, for the RIGHT - so to speak - to listen to the music. But to own it, you have to BUY it, song buy song or album by album, like in iTunes.

The down-low on Rhapsody: You can listen to all the music you want for 12.99 or 14.99 a month, but you don't own the music. You don't even download the music to your computer. It stays on the Rhapsody player. If you want to use an iPod, you have to buy the songs. If you want to put the songs on an MP3 player, it has to be Rhapsody compatible.

Here's a list of compatible players.

Choke - Red Band Trailer

Chuck Palahniuk wrote a hilariously sexual book called 'Choke' that's been turned into a movie starring Sam Rockwell, about a sex addict who cons people out of money via choking in restaurants. It's sort of convoluted, but they spend most of the trailer talking about sex. Here's the Red-Band Trailer for it. FYI: A Red-Band trailer has boobies and fuckwords!

New Stephen King: Just After Sunset - Coming November

I've just found out that the new Stephen King book is coming out in November. 11/11/2008. According to the Wikipedia Page, It's going to have twelve short stories published within the last few years and one possible bonus story published thirty years ago.

This will mark the first set of King's short stories that I will purchase at the time of publication. Everything else, I've always gotten to years, sometimes decades, later. I really liked most of the stories in 'Everything's Eventual' - I read it on a road trip down to the Everglades in '03 - but I wish I'd gotten to it when it came out. It's a little disappointing that we won't get a new novel from him, but I suppose this will have to suffice.

Fourth of July - Vacation

I'll be out of town for the fourth - through the sixth - so I'll try to leave a few tidbits on the blog for you to peruse, if you're engaged in that wonderfully inappropriate new euphemism, the 'Staycation'.

Take that, poor people, for not being able to afford a trip this year. At least you get a cute word to keep you busy.

It's St. Simons for me, with all of the accoutrement associated with it. Seafood, beach reading - Scott Smith's 'The Ruins' - beer, blah blah blah. I'll be back on Monday. Enjoy your fourth. If you're really bored, you can check out the Time article on Patriotism.

The Phobia List

I know that picking cool web sites and putting them on a blog is mere technological laziness, but phobias are an interest of mine (considering how many of them I actually harbor). Go to the The Phobia List and check your out.

One of my favorites: Anablephobia- Fear of looking up.

Which makes me wonder:

A) How does one develop Anablephobia
B) How is one truly, absolutely diagnosed with Anablephboia?
C) Does it warrant getting one of those little blue passes you can put in your car?

And it also makes me wonder if I have a couple undiagnosed phobias lurking around under the surface. Anyone who knows me is probably slapping his/her forehead right now, going, "Oh Jesus. Not. More. Neuroses."

Here is a short list of the fears that (I think) I have:

Ophidiophobia- Fear of snakes.
Thanatophobia or Thantophobia- Fear of death or dying.
Atychiphobia- Fear of failure.
Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old.

Now, the last three are things that keep me up at night. The first one is a passing fear. Like, when I see snakes, whether on television or in person, I shriek and high-step it out of whichever room I'm in. It seems to be an effective panacea for snakes. The next question is how to high-step it out of the other three. Help me out. Oh, and 'stop being such a pussy'? I've already tried that. Doesn't work.

Lil Caesars and Punisher and Other Errata

A Lil Caesars recently went up in a shopping center in Athens - right next to a Vietnamese Pho place! - and the first time I went in, I expected Ashton Kutcher to jump out and say, "Gotcha, bitch. There's no such thing as Lil Caesars anymore!"

Because I thought the franchise had gone under. It's like certain animals. There are some animals that may or may not exist; I just haven't seen them in so long I just kind of forget about them.

Anyway, Lil Caesars is awesome but I'm not the only one whose memory had nearly been erased on the matter. I use a banking site called Mint, which tracks your spending, and this morning I was going over a few purchases and which category they fit in. Even Mint had no idea that L.C. still exists, because they had it listed as 'No Category'. That means Mint was, like, we got no Effing clue, dude.

Weird.

Also, the new Punisher Trailer is out there. Thomas Jane looks strange in the new trailer. Just Kidding. It's the really bad-ass guy from ROME. Remember that show? I don't know, but I think it looks actually better than the Thomas Jane Punisher.

'The Strangers' Review - Sort Of

I know that this will come as no surprise to you, but I thought 'The Strangers' was a really good, very well-done horror movie, something difficult to accomplish these days, it seems.

'The Strangers' accomplishes every thing it sets out to. I won't give anything away, but suffice it to say that it is quite possibly the scariest movie I have ever seen in the theaters.

The script is a bit sparse, but the director finds inventive ways to manipulate not only the camera, but the audience as well. There's something to be said for having a talented guy at the helm. It's bitter and mean-spirited, but it's also extremely scary. Like, sweat-in-the-palms, peek-into-the-backseat-before-you-get-in sort of scary. And I am not easily frightened.

Great movie. Please go see it, if you like horror movies. It is not a 'mainstream' horror flick. It's not like SAW and it's not like Hostel, but it's mean and scary and there's little to no blood. Hmmm.

New Angry Video Game Nerd

There's a new Angry Video Game Nerd up on Gametrailers.com.

I think the guy's name is pretty self-explanatory, but for those not in the know, the Angry Video Game Nerd is a game reviewer who is both nerdy and angry. There you go. Watch the videos. They're awesome.

New Dethklok, er, Metalocalypse

In case you haven't heard, in which case you're a shitty fan (just kidding), the new episodes of 'Metalocalypse' start this Sunday.

To celebrate, there's even a Most Brutal Songs Of Compilation on [adult swim]. And it's awesome. Go check it out. Right now.

Modest Mouse - Float On

From Good News For People Who Love Bad News.

New Metallica Album!

Encyclopedia Metallica is reporting that the new Metallica album will be released in September. The date exactly? Nobody knows yet, but you may be able to fish somethign else out on the internet.

Bill-O - Losing His Cool-O

I'm the sort of guy who can be sort of flaky on picking a side on most things. I'm a fence-sitter in the least sexual sense of the word. Indeed, I am too much of a moral relativist to find fault with the actions of people, especially those making millions of dollars a year. It's impossible to think that someone can keep his cool every day, every year, for his or her entire life.




I can make an exception in this case. Bill O'Reilly is a humunculous toolbag, an ancient virus that needs the Ole Bleach-and-Water treatment. I saw an analyzation of this video on KO's show, but I thought maybe not all of you had seen it. So here it is. I hope you all enjoy it. Give me some feedback. Let me know what you think.

Back to You - Canceled

You remember my post from way back on September 19, 2007? I announced just how funny the show turned out to be and started the countdown 'til it got canceled, because FOX always seems to screw up the really good shows. (See Family Guy, Futurama, Arrested Development, Undeclared - I could name others)

Turns out, it was a prophecy. I was only half-joking about FOX not being able to handle good TV shows, but apparently it's the truth. 'Back to You' has been canceled. Damnit.

It's being pitched to CBS, and hopefully it will find a home. I really liked the show, which starred Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton. Damnit. Damnit. Damnit.