Is This the Twilight Zone?

Here's the thing. I've had just about the weirdest few weeks of my life. Not only did I piss off another blogger and have him - in the words of KlydeLanta - "passive-aggressive flame" me, but I also learned something about politics that I was never, ever, ever aware of before last Friday.

It was one of those realizations that makes you slap your forehead and go, "How in the hell did I not think of this before now! Jeez, I'm stupid."

The thing that I learned:

Being a Republican is first and foremost being a God-fearing Christian, and everything else will fall into place.

There are many subsets to that first, above-stated premise, but I will get to all of that later. This first one demands explanation, and I would not leave you hanging. That I promise.

It is generally the case that I'm in good moods on Fridays. That's just how I am. So i was having fun with the whole Mark Foley thing, talking about how ridiculous the Republican Party had become - I don't truly mean it, but I do think a lot of truth is said in jest - when I realized that a girl who works at my place of business was probably a Republican.

Upon asking her, she replied that she was, indeed, a Republican. So, in turn, I asked her why she was a Republican. Oh, that's another thing about me that you have to know for the story. I think most people have no clue why they vote this way or that, that it is mostly a function of growing up in a certain type of household, so I like to put people on the spot about their political beliefs. It makes for some pretty lively conversation.

Anyway, back to the story.

The girl tells me she is a Republican because she believes in "low taxes." I find this answer funny because it's the most obvious, thoughtless answer anyone could have come up with, but I digress.

Hmmm, I replied. Low Taxes?

"Yes," she said. "I don't believe my money should support, you know, other people." The interpretation? Black people, I'm almost certain. If you don't live in Georgia, suffice it to say that the racism is no longer overt, but sort of smugly passive-aggressive.

I took that as a fine answer, despite the implications. It's unfortunate, but not illegal, to have those kinds of answers. Not everybody can be informed, after all.

But then, oh my god, did it get better. Uh, so, I posed my next question like this (it's a bit of a loaded question, so I apologize):

"Since this administration is one of the most morally corrupt and monetarily frivolous in history, how can you possibly call George W. Bush a Republican?"

I never said the question was fair, but I wanted to test her, to see what she could come up with on short notice.

I've almost never been left speechless, but this girl came extremely close with her next answer: "I just think being a Republican means being a God-fearing Christian."

She didn't directly answer my question, but okay. For my own gratification, I had her clarify.

That's the most important thing about being a Republican, I asked. Being a Christian?

Yep. Not even a hesitation in her voice. But, to her credit, she expounded on her former answer so as not to sound like a complete moron.

"Well, who are you going to support, Tyler? I couldn't support the Democrats. They don't believe in religion. They support Atheist organizations, and I can't support them."

All Democrats?

"Yep. Republicans are just more moral than Democrats. Bill Clinton had an affair, and because he had an affair, no Democrat has morals."

Which, I thought, was kind of funny at least. I didn't feel like stabbing myself in the ears at this point, but I wasn't very far from it.

"I mean, come on, Tyler. George Bush freed Iraq." At this point, I wished I'd had a tape recorder of some sort. "Didn't you see just how happy those people are? They can vote, and that makes them free."

At this point, I fainted, falling into a deep blackness that would not let up, not even a little bit.

Upon being revived, I said, "But they don't have any power, lights, or water. They're falling into becoming an Islamic Republic. Girls will be burned alive for showing up at schools to learn."

"What's an Islamic Republic" was her answer, followed closely by "they don't still torture people over there, not since W. freed them. That's impossible."

I give up.