Abyss of Oblivion - The GI Joe Movie

G.I. Joe was one of my favorie television shows - and toy lines, coincidentally - in the 80s, and I'm watching the movie right now. As we speak, if you will.

Something struck me as funny. I know you know what I'm about to say, but I'm going to say it anyway.

Why in the hell did the makers of the movie have such a ham-fisted, half-assed "He's gone...into a coma" storyline?

For those of you who don't know, one of the main characters, Duke, is struck in the heart with a snake-stick - I know, but you don't have to laugh - and drops to the ground before giving a soliloqy and sighing out what is thought to be his last breath. Instead of letting him die, Scarlett pronounces him "in a coma" and later he's said to be "recovering".

Those who know are already jumping up and down about this subject, saying, "Transformers! It's the Transformers movie! That's why they did that!"

And that's partly true. The Transformers movie had the main character, Optimus Prime, killed off in the first ten minutes and public - mostly "mommy" - outrage gave it a bad name, and the makers of G.I. Joe certainly did not want the same firestorm. Because it was a toy franchise first and a cartoon (or piece of "art") second, public opinion would play a definite role in the outcome of the movie.

Which brings me to the real, first reason that Duke was to be killed off. The toy company had planned to discontinue the Duke line of toys and wanted to pass the reigns off to Falcon, the saucy newcomer in the movie. When it became obvious that parents thought it horrific to kill off characters, they caved in and came up with the cheesy coma angle. The parents obviously were not aware of the irony in demanding that a show about war and terrorists not kill off any of the characters. I mean, what did they think it was? M.A.S.H.?

Which brings me to the next point. Another reason that the creators wanted Duke to get the axe was that the show had received criticism (?) for its cartoonish depictions of violence (?). Okay, that sounds ridiculous. And, well, it is. But the guys at whatever studio decided that they wanted to shed the kiddie violence angle and really kick some ass. Which is, I guess, why they included the uber-creepy Cobra-La storyline. Um, but my problem with it is that, if they wanted real violence, why did they continue to use blue and red lasers instead of real bullets? It would make sense, wouldn't it, to have something like that, right?

Which brings me to the NEXT point, and I have to give credit to Johnny for this one: Why were there different guns? Think about it before you answer. Is there a need for an uzi, a submachine gun, a pistol and a shotgun if they all produce an unrealistic ray of light?

Nitpicking? Okay, I'll move on.