Georgia Football and Paris Hilton's Sex Life

As I sit here, with rabid Georgia fans just outside my window, honking their car horns and shouting mild obscenities at the top of their lungs, I've got to wonder what the hell I'd doing in Athens if not for the football.

I could go into some diatribe as to why Athens is the best college town in the nation - which, sorry guys, it is - but I've got other things on my mind.

I mean, honestly, is there anything in the country that makes people more excited than college football? Maybe Paris Hilton's private life, but even that is only interesting on days that Michael Jackson isn't being accused of molestation or Britney Spears isn't having some sort of WhiteTrashaThon with her comfortingly degenerate husband, Kevin Federline.

There's got to be something about the whole subject that makes us take a Darwinian step backward on Saturdays, meaning that I have seen some pretty intelligent guys do dumb shit without thinking twice.

But maybe it has more to do with childhood. You see, I think of college football and Saturday afternoons the same way I presume teenagers think of seeing their first issue of Playbor. Maybe that's an antiquated notion, since the internet has made it so easy to see anything - almost quite literally - but it seems to be a fair analogy.

The act of watching college football is, in and of itself, a harmless act. But held deep within the context lies the most prurient fantasies possible. Not sexually in this case, but most certainly in a dreamy fashion. Teenagers dream of seeing Tila Tequila naked in the same way I dream of Georgia winning a national title: with a sort of dreamy fascination.

It doesn't necessarily enhance my state-of-living and it won't make my life any easier, but I just want to see it happen. Just for the act's sake.

You see where I'm going with this? I don't just want Georgia to win. I want to see my dream come true. That's why I think a lot of parents take the nudie-mag issue way too far. Early on, most teenagers don't have any real desire for things; they have notions. It's the most innocent they'll ever be in terms of sexual exploration. Their bodies are changing and they only want to know what it's like to "get there", even if they don't know what in the hell that is.

Same thing with Georgia Football. I've never seen the pinnacle of college football, the nipple of excitement, which is the national title. I don't know; it's probably not even that great.

But still, I want to know what it feels like to get there.